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(c) 2006
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
when do you say its true love?? ive been mulling over that question for the past few days. obviously, its because ive been bothered by this affection i have for a certain person. from my friend's profile, i read that "..true love is when you can still stand being with a person despite all their faults and the headaches you've given each other." if id take that as the criteria for true love, then what i am feeling right now is not qualified as true love... mostly because the person had just given me too much headaches (not too mention heartaches ) already that i dont think i can still stand being with him. but when i start weighing my emotions, i just feel like its really true love.. hehe. *are you starting to get confused?* its just that, im so fucked up.. i thought i was already over him but i realized that i still think about him practically everyday! ugh. how pathetic. i dont remember anymore how i got over the boy i first loved. i cant recall how i moved on from my other romances either.. all i know is that i was able to let go and moved on with my life. plus, i am still friends with all the people i got romantically involved with... except for him.. sure, we can claim that were friends -as in were not enemies or whatnot. we still text each other...uhm, say twice every 2 weeks or so. but friends, as in real friends? nah.. with this particular guy.. i just cant seem to find a way to forget about him.. or at least about the feelings i have for him, which i thought was already over and done. i so hate myself for having such strong emotions. i used to restrain myself from all these falling and loving dramas.. but with him.. damn. ive changed alot. i understand that i have already learned to live without him but no, i am still not over him. when he was asking for another chance, i was initially confused. although i was quite sure he no longer deserve(d) another chance. *god knows how many chances ive already given him.* i still considered the fact that maybe he's changed... and that i deserve to be happy with the person i truly care for. but i am still haunted by all the hurt he had given me. i just cant trust him anymore. i cant expect him not to cause me pain anymore. yes, trauma might be the right term... ergo, i chose/choose not to give him another chance. we still send SMS to each other. but no longer sweet nothings.. and yes, we do have plans to hang out again some time.. do the things we love to do together, particularly pigging out!! (the thought makes me smile..) but there, theyre just plans.. its always he's busy or i am busy.. like that. we lasted only for a few months. but as pablo neruda says, "love is short. forgetting is long." i can attest to that. im not sure how long will this wallowing take.. but i really hope it ends soon.. how about tomorrow?? hahaha.. i wish! i reckon he got the impression that i already have a new flame. ive been really cold and ive let him think i am in love with someone (which is true!). what he doesnt realize is that that someone is him. of course, i dont want it to be obvious. i dont want to be caught off guard AGAIN. no, ive been hurt by the same person way too much.. i dont suppose i can handle more agony. for now, i choose to love him from afar. yes, it is as heartbreaking. but believing that the heartbreak is no longer intended by the person i love is somehow helping. i am loving from afar. how excruciating! and pathetic.. and ewww, too mushy. :p but really, i have already convinced myself that he's just a dream.. a dream i could never have.. the love i had for him, i know, is genuine.. but i have given up on that love.. id like to believe that maybe, just maybe.. someday, someone who is really deserving of the kind of love i had given to that person will come. uhuh, someone i can call my own. *bone sings, someday my prince will come..* part of me desires that that someone would be him.. but, a larger part of me wishes otherwise.. coz loving him or someone like him is not at all easy. believe me. and yes, id like to know the answer to this: why do i always fuck up???! Bone painted the world at 9:51 AM | |
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because if you choose silence, people take advantage of you.
because if you dont speak, they will tell lies. because if you dont care and simply live life, they make up stories. because if you are loved, others will bring you down.
sometimes, you need a place you can call your own. where all you see and hear is the truth. a place where you see colors instead of just black&white. a happy place. home.
