bone.home

america oh america

2009-07-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

america teaches me to do things i have to do. i can be stubborn most of the time but in some cases, i have to give in. america does not necessarily corrupt. oftentimes, it simply forces one to thrive.

in america, i find both love and grief. along the way, i gain some new friends and lose loved ones as well. some bonds grow stronger each day while there are also relationships that fail. there is definitely happiness. but joy always comes with heartaches.

america has the power change. it has changed me. for better or worse? i don't know. but i will not be sorry for what i am. because, as the saying goes, it is better to be hated for who/what we are than be loved for someone that we are not.

i dont expect everyone to understand me more so to defend me. in america, i have learned that even family cannot be with me at all times. but it's okay. because america has taught me that america is not all about the good life. and most of all, it has taught me that if everyone else leaves, i can rely on myself (and God).

gran torino

2009-06-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

gran torino is out on dvd and red box. its a good movie. sad but good. it doesnt have the traditional happy ending as walt (clint eastwood) dies in the end. actually, it starts and ends with death.. and with rape, stealing and violence sandwiched in between deaths.

when i watch good movies like this, i tend to reflect on it and myself. and i realize i have yet to reach my utmost potential. i dont have a lot of money in the bank, still havent paid off my car, still not the best in my field, no house to call my own, single with no kids.. and still not an author of my own book.

BUT if i die at this very moment, i am ready. there may be dreams still on the shelf but theres nothing to regret. lessons have been learned, risks have been taken, love lost, loved in return, rollercoasters ridden, storms surpassed. things that truly define life... oh, i have those.

pacman vs hitman vs us, men and women

2009-05-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

the effect of each of pacqiao's fight against any other big boxers is kind of the same among filipinos around the world. well.. kind of. when he has a big fight like the one tonight, filipinos gather and watch the bakbakan together. maybe even some throwing some bets here and there. or having barbeques and whatnot.

back home, filipinos watching the fight together means low crime rates. in the us, it means, filipino nurses calling off from work, not enough staff, no CNAs.

ya.. sucks to be away from home in times like these. im debating against myself who to root for. because im bitter like that because tonight, i have to go to work. may the best man win na lang.

cooking with... ME???

2009-04-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

cooking with..... ME???

haha since when did i learn such art??!

today's easter sunday and while the rest of the world is either in a church saying their prayers or somewhere else easter egg hunting before eating lunch with their loved ones/family/friends, i am alone at the apartment.

although i am still trying to figure out whether or not the solitary life suits me, i decided to make my "thinking time" a little useful in my tiny kitchen. so far, ive already nailed 5-6 filipino favorites excluding eggies, fried sausages and other breakfast instants. not bad for a brat like me, eh?

boyfriend and me have been arguing almost about everything hence the new nickname he christened me with: LITTLE SNAPPER. i like! suits the struggling chef in me. haha.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!! and remember, its about the resurrection of Jesus and not the painted eggs or jumping bunnies. (:

capital BS

2009-04-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

although i cant see myself in a workplace where i am just sitting waiting , i cannot see myself in a place where respect is nonexistent either.

its bull when patients are not appreciative of the things you do or when they or their families treat you like slaves. i dont get how some people are able to walk to the stations demanding to get their pain shots an hour before its due but push the call light button for their nurses to throw away their empty carton of milk on the trash can or to straighten their blankets.

its bull when people set their phone alarms every 3-4 hours just so they could get their shot of narcs round the clock when its supposed to be q 4 hours PRN. and when you say its not due yet, they present an argument stating that "Baby, pain is not about time." but its funny how the pain kicks in exactly every 3 hours if the doctor orders for pain shot q 3 hours PRN. and isnt it ironic when theyre able to run around the halls and say the pain level is 10/10. but pain is subjective so who are we to judge, right? bs.

its bull when a coworker has a title that supposed to mean she has more experience or that she knows more than you do and yet he or she bullies the rookies instead of mentoring them.

its bull when a rule applies to everyone but you, right?

its bull when youre supposed to be loving your job but everyone and everything just seem to contradict all the reasons youve found why you chose to be on this profession and vocation.

its bull when your job makes you feel youre not in the right place.

its bull when it no longer makes you happy.

it is bull more so if you do not have the option to walk away....

friendster vs. facebook

2009-03-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

insane.

friendster is trying very hard to immitate facebook. ironically, facebook is also doing its best to copy friendster.

lets just all go back to plain blogging.

LA's very own LV

2009-03-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

ive been waiting since last week coz Accuweather said weekend is gonna be abundant with sunshine. its pretty accurate except that its not able to tell when exactly im going to have my period. for some people, especially guys, its a taboo to openly talk about when youre on your "pin cushion that bleeds" days. but like i always say: im a deviant, meaning, i dont care. so anyways.. no beach for me this weekend. and then boyfriend said he's bringing me to vegas ( and i was damn excited about it). for some reason, Universal City walk is the new LV. tony roma is the oz buffet. ontario mills is the fashion mall. d&b is the tao. haha. but in all fairness, it was fun. and im thankful. maybe he is really serious about this fight against my so-called depression and bipolar disease. now, give me abilify, risperdal and seroquel.. now! while im still in my happy mood!

ps. go out. watch taken. its underrated but trust me, its a good movie. if youre a parent, let your teens watch this movie.

flipino: I am missing

2009-03-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

The absence has been long. saying lots have happened between the last entry and this post is an understatement. from then to now, several people have died - family, loved ones, famous ones,or just some random entities like Genghis, for example. some have given birth perhaps not just to one but a bunch of quadruplets, then there's the dozens of foreclosures and bankruptcies, hookups and breakups here and there. but for all these changes, one thing remains the same: I havent been found still.

shit happens. and so does love.

2008-05-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

shit happens. and so does love.
i fell. again. fast and hard. for the wrong guy. at the wrong time. f*ing wrong time..

memorial weekend was a total break from the chaotic place im trapped in.

but of course, people like you and me always have to go back to reality. and if youre lucky enough just like me, reality is equivalent to deep sh*t.. ah sh*t.

people are not supposed to make the same mistakes but instead, learn from them. apparently, its not always like that. not in love.

yo boss! you know adele's song? thats one of my many songs for you. about me and you. and thats what ive been thinking about since that one night: should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? we're so messed up. but its real how i feel. you should know that. youre my king. but until when? i dont know..

Harry Potter Set

2007-10-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

If you're a fan like me, you'll go gaga for sure.

go to barnes now! ha ha

Live Strong, One Love (Benefit Concert a friend, fellow Paulinian)

2007-09-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

Benefit Concert Set for our friend and fellow Paulinian

PHOEBE Angeline Cepeda, a nurse and former Miss De Los Santos-STI, has been battling on Hodgkins lymphoma, a cancer of the blood which spreads through the lymphatic channels to the spleen and bloodstream. She needs to immediately undergo bone marrow transplant after her normal blood cells were destroyed by chemotherapy and radiation. To raise the huge
amount needed for her operation, the DLS-STI Batch 2005 led by its president Jeffrey Lamson is holding a benefit concert for Phoebe titled Live Strong, One Love. It will be held on Sept. 11, 12 and 13 at 6 p.m. in Ratsky, Tomas Morato, Quezon City. Donations are also accepted at
any Bank of Commerce branch (account no. 028-20-003039-9 PHP) Please call Marc Cepeda at 0928-3948596 or 4217567for more information. [source]

Are you crying again?

2007-07-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

And so last night while talking to my good friend, Mel, tears involuntary rolled down my cheeks. And then I started complaining how complicated everything seems. I whined about having to go through all what I am going through all by myself.

I was weeping and I myslef was surprised. I have been doing things on my own since grade school so why complain only now? Maybe because for the rest of my life, I was one hundred percent sure that if I decided to quit, I could always turn back and go home to my family. But things are different now. For quitting is no longer an option. Unless I am determined to fail.

According to Mr. Paredes,

Life is like that. We all get kicked out of our comfort zones every so often and I might as well not resist it. I could either have a miserable time or I could seize this chance to discover new things.

Yes, life is like that indeed. It has a kind of humor that mere mortals like us tend to forget every so often. But for all the jokes that do not make us laugh, theyre there to make you learn about the world around you and yourself. To teach you how to be strong or to remind you that honey, you are strong!

Now that I have been reminded, I say, I am Superwoman.. for the Lord is my strength.
Problema pa? Sige lang, bring it on!

BLS!!

2007-07-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Im raving and bragging today coz I finally have a Basic Life Support certificate, accredited pa ng American Heart Association. And I could really say that I worked for it. I am happy and I feel really really blessed even though the heel of my right palm was hurting throughout the compression exercises. But its all ok. God is still good to me.

Life

2007-07-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinish business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. The life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles [are] my life.
James Patterson, Sam's Letter to Jennifer

But I know, a god will soon rescue me. My God. My Lord and my savior.

I'm Back with Words

2007-07-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

been gone for a long time but i guess, people are used to it by now. most of the time, i tend to be like the wind, i come and go without you noticing it. sometimes, you might even forget that i do exist. some did and do not care at all.

but to those who are there just standing by, checking once in a while for vital (and otherwise) things for me to say, my big thanks. this time, i have no good excuse for the absence. i refused to blog because.. and just because.

and the consequence i have to endure. as a natural aftermath of my long absence, i am currently struggling to finish this composition when actually, all i want to put is: im having lots of ups and downs but id like to believe i am learning and i will become a better person one day.

i supposed some of you would ask how i am doing as i frequently do that when i visit your sites. well, lets see. most of the things i want to say have already been said. oftentimes by other people and in much much better way than i could. so let me leave you something i copied from The Phantom of Tollbooth.

"wheter or not you find your own way, you're bound to find some way. if you happen to find my way, please return it. as it was lost years ago. i imagine by now it's quite rusty." - Norton Juster

a dream about paul

2007-05-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

long weekend didnt help much. at least not to me. not unless someone could prove that day dreaming and wandering are productive. i had a dream the other night and consequently, i have been friendster-hopping for at least two days looking for this Paul guy. i know his last name starts with "villa" but i dont remember his exact, full name. he attended his grade school years in la consolacion college manila. with me. he was a tall guy. really tall. and i remember him as someone nice. life is insane, in a funny way.

God provides me with everything but then im so proud that i would take for granted good things and good people. and when they're gone, i'd look for them and do crazy stuff to reconnect, if possible. im never a good person. never a good friend. im honest enough to admit that now.

if only i could post all the names of the people i am searching for right now to make up for the time lost and for the wasted friendship, i would. but i know its way , way embarassing. for now, i hope you'd be able to help me find Paul.

if you messaged someone and you see in the internet that he/she has logged in in the last 24 hours but didnt managed to reply to you, it only confirms youve done something really really bad and hurtful to that person before.

one night, i was talking with a guy. he reminded me that he used to court me but i liked this other guy. have you seen him lately, he asked. because he saw him after so many years. and i was so embarassed because the guy i chose over him is no longer someone a girl could wish for.

i used to laugh at people who talk about God and His goodness. yet here i am now, searching for a relationship with Him. trying to lift it all up to Him.

Prayer

2007-05-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

" Lord, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing,
help me to remember that Your love is always greater than my disappointments
and Your plans for my life are always better than my dreams."

[currently searching for a template that would reflect my journey with God..]

Good times

2007-05-01T08:38:00.001-07:00

Thank you for reminding me.

Sunday masses.
Family days.
Lazy midday chismisan.
Good food.
Generous relatives.
Phone calls and emails from the Philippines.
Invitations.
Giggles that make us cry.
Weeknight and weekday Unlimited calls.
Beautiful roses and colorful spring flowers.
His perfect time, perfect plan, perfect love.
... perfect goodness.

I am blessed indeed.
God is good.

Success -- NOT!

2007-04-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

i wish ive never received this text message.

the road to success
is...
UNDER REPAIR.

*sigh* please remind me that God is good.

Job hunting is frustrating

2007-04-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

so now this is how frustrating job searching can be. i can't even say that it's difficult coz then that would an understatement.

thought i have already mastered doing resumes as i have been practicing since i was in high school but then 5-6 hours in the computer say otherwise. this is definitely not a good sign. and im still not done.

the telephone bill must have gone up by 500% this month since i have been making calls to millions of hospitals and medical centers here and surrounding areas. but im getting no luck at all.. and no love as well.

but oh no, i am not stopping. i admit, i get discouraged big time but that doesn't mean i am giving up. not yet but almost. sigh.

"Future" Anxiety

2007-04-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

"cross the bridge when you get there, hija." that, my folks, is my father's favorite line. well, next to "life is never fair," of course.

people keep telling me not to worry. they dont get that when the future is out of sight or blurry and the road to success is under repair, one has all the valid reasons to be worried.. and insane!

i try to remind myself that God is good. i know He is. but i am only human. i sin, i doubt. i am weak. i get scared most of the time..

when things get scary, i often tend to think of crazy things. i figured if i cant get hold of a better future, i better just make myself immortalized while i still can. someone told me there are at least three ways to do that: 1. bear a child, 2. write a novel/book, and 3. plant a tree.
although i have dreams of writing my own book, its a farfetched idea. of the three options, the last one is surely the easiest. so i bought three gumamela plants, and planted them. a few hours later, i realized, gumamela is not a tree. the next day, i found myself sweating under the sun and planting mango and mahogany trees.

it felt good doing something like that. but then, afterwards, reality started to resurface. and it hurts. each day i wondered why i am not happy, why i am with the people i love and i want to be with but i feel incomplete and empty. i think i know the answer now.

i have good intentions. mostly not even for myself but for my family and relatives. for other people, for heaven's sake!! but i still get no luck. and that's bull. that's painful.

one of my friends told me a long time ago that good things happen to good people. heck, thats a lie. coz i know im a good person. it even took me twenty years before i realized that bad people exist. but look where i am today. look at what i am. i have almost nothing. hurting and unhappy.

tell you what really frustrates me. i gave up my own dreams of becoming a CPA lawyer because of my desire to give my family a better life. i endured three years of effin nursing life. i used up my reserved courage to take the NCLEX and IELTS. booked and paid a flight to US. for what?? for nothing. retrogression sucks. i am leaving in 4 days and RN immigrant visa is still not available. pucha. sana hindi na lang ako pinanganak.

Paranoia

2007-03-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

anything related to the word examination makes me super paranoid. licensure exams, medical exams, driving test, drug test, final exams.. whatever. but the medical technician who extracted blood from me is soo amiable (ya, sarcasm is one service i am good at.), panic was not option this morning.

me: gaano karami kukunin sakin?
med tech: mga 3 cc. (walang ngiti or eye contact yan ha.)
me: pwede bang himatayin? (of course, i wasnt really going to faint. i was just trying to divert paranoia and nervousness.)
med tech: .... NR. not even a glance or smile.

and then silence...
i went to the gym after. but then it was too late when i realized i forgot to bring rubber shoes. thats how paralyzed i could get when the word exam is in my thoughts.

when i took the International English Language Testing System or IELTS last February 24 (now you know another reason why i wasnt visible in cyberspace for another century), my brother knew i was considering to run away. so he went to Edsa Shangrila Hotel to accompany me. he did not actually leave until he saw me enter the testing room. "sige na, iwan mo na ko," i instructed him. but he refused, "pumasok ka na muna. baka tumakbo ka eh." my brother knows me so well. he could probably be my best friend.

panu pa kaya yung mga kasali sa American Idol? if i was one of the contestants, my blood pressure could go as high as 300/250. unlike sanjaya who seems pretty confident despite his ___ . see, theres not even an appropriate word for him. as simon put it, he has his own universe that it doesnt even matter what the judges say.. what makes me think my words would even matter? geez..

Cry me a river

2007-03-26T01:36:00.000-07:00

im not much into fashion and trends. my clothes are almost never sunod sa uso. in fact, i am what you can call baduy or jologs. but when the twiggy type of jeans was revived, i thought it was classy and classic. and i couldnt say no to that.

after paying for my next pair of skinny jeans, i was ready to go home (after strolling for about 5hours). but then, a trenchcoat called my attention so i tried it on.

me: oh my god. i love it!
dad: magkano?? kunin mo na.
me: fits me so well. first time.
dad: oh basta wag ka na babalik dito.
me: (thinking he was referring to the uber crowded shopping centre.) oo.

then my dad turned his back and cried. only then did i realize that he was referring to the philippines. my emotional father. it was really an awkward moment.

one time my brother teased me: "alam mo kahit na sobrang talino mo, minsan ang tanga tanga mo." we just laughed so hard. but know what.. he is totally right!

someone just shoot me, please.

Randomness..

2007-03-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

after waiting eternally in front of the computer, here comes a new (and probably long) entry.

last weekend was spent in Ifugao and to my surprise, i willingly paid Php10.00 for a Php7.00 worth of tabloid. right then and there i realized that crossword puzzles are my addiction.

i have been hibernating (which is nothing new) from my friends and acquaintances for quite a long time. been consistently absent from all the parties, dinner and lunch dates i have been invited to for two reasons: one is that i no longer dig long drives much more the terrible traffic in metro, and two: i feel im at my ugliest these days. yes, i am once again a walking big zit.

but as i was eating lunch somewhere in manila while waiting for the NBI office to open, i accidentally saw one of my best friends whom i havent seen for ages. what are the chances?! she was crying days before that and telling me we really have to see each other. so at least she'll have someone sensible to talk to. but then its inconvenient for both of us. i mean, i live in marikina. she lives somewhere near e. rodriguez and works in makati. but there in manila, far from both our own territories, we saw each other without even planning it.

sometimes you find yourself in a place without clearly understanding why you are standing there but then some thing happens and you realize that somehow you are exactly where you're supposed to be. does that ever happen to you?

last night i got a call from my friend, Andrea. she asked how ive been doing lately and as i was narrating my boring and blurry life (if you can even call it a life), she interrupted me. "wait, parang nagbago ka.. ayun! maarte ka ngayon!" she lives in Forbes, Makati.. meaning she herself is coño and maarte (but i love her to bits!) so its really funny how she even noticed my being maarte last night. "eh kasi maarte yung kausap ko," i replied. but deep inside i was wondering whether she also recognized my accent. i wasnt aware of it too until some bitch said it outloud. "alam mo pataas yun intonation mo. parang american high school. parang there's this one time..( while she tried too hard to mimic american pie).. my twitch sa dulo. please be natural." if only i ran out of patience at that time, i could have answered back "sorry, eto ang natural ko. marunong akong mag-english! f*ck you."

speaking of Andrea, she's turning 25 tomorrow and is throwing a birthday bash tonight. she's been trying to pimp me and hook me up with her guy friends. but i expect you already guessed where i would be later. yes, more or less, i'll be in my blue room thinking of my future.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REA!

Ridiculous!

2007-03-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

finally, i am updating. its been really annoying how i always ended up in vain each time i attempted to log in. i thought it was the computer or something. or that i forgot my username or password. only to find out a few minutes ago that it was just my plain stupidity. my spelling is also deteriorating. this is what you get when you're jobless or out of school for almost a year. so beware, all ya bums out there! but i came up with an excuse. i only use my brain slightly so that its price wont depreciate as much just in case i plan on selling it.

in fairness, i dont think all bums are a lazy ass. sometimes people leave school out of necessity or they remain unemployed for a long time because luck is not on their side. but for me, id like to think its a different kind of story. i am where i am am today because this is exactly where God wants me to be. but its not easy living like this. most of the time, i have to close my eyes and pray for strength and trust. there are also times when i feel like im running out of stock but He is good. He Himself holds my hands each time i get tired of holding on to my faith.

since i am what you can call a couch potato (except in the mornings during which i go to the gym to work out and read all sorts of newspapers), i try to entertain myself with shows on the telly for as long as my eyes aren't hurting. this is so new to me since i was never a fan of long hours of watching tv. there's AI (i am surprised and pissed that sanjaya is still there), national geographic, ANC, and cartoons. its also amusing to tune in to BBC sometimes. ive never done that before because for me, brit accents translated sentences to blah blah blah. but true, things change and my taste for current events delivered in an english accent is not an exemption.

moreover, i think ive somehow given up my weekly trips to the theatres and dermatologist as i neither have salary nor allowance. that means im no longer updated as far as movies are concerned and that the zits are back. the ultimate pleasure i probably had since i got back is the chocolate mousse my brother bought me or the fishing activity i had with my little cousins a month ago or so. whichever sounds more fun to you if they are fun at all.

but i still consider myself lucky. coz at least i only have myself to support. i dont have a family to feed, shelter, or send to school. if anything, my only responsibility to others is to love the people around me.

ielts bopols

2007-01-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

oh, i just learned this: too much smiling is unprofessional. that is so bad news for me coz everytime i feel nervous, i smile....... way too much. and then my brain cells just jump up and down.

apparently, my english is terrible. as ms. cheng put it, i ".. have good ideas. .. have a very good command in english but not organized nor confident."

right now, i badly wish there was 911 for english. obviously, i need help.

shallow

2007-01-10T18:20:00.000-08:00

if there's any good the controversy has brought, it's when people ask where i took up nusring, they no longer ask "Ano/San yun?"

so shallow, i know.

ahh, here's something sensible: go get some rest. have a break from everything chaotic.
i think i better do just that...

shout out: thanks to dr. apostol for my skin. still not one hundred percent zit-free but already soft and smooth.

nclex-rn

2007-01-01T03:59:00.000-08:00

so did i get lucky? let me tell you a long story.

it was already getting late that night. we were on our way to the block when my phone rang. it was my aunt on the other line letting me know she's holding the letter the entire family has been waiting for.

eligibility letter. it was a letter from the california board of nursing certifying that the board found me eligible to take the nclex-rn. i was like, "No way!" coz i have been following up my application every now and then and all i got every time was an instruction to wait coz i graduated outside US and the evaluation from foreign applicants, just to see if one is eligible or not, usually takes 6 months or more. so they said i had to wait for at least until january.

with my request, my aunt ripped the envelope and read the letter out loud just to be sure it was really an eligibility letter and mine. and it was. 100%.

initially, i wanted to be pissed off coz i no longer wanted to worry about exams whatsoever but reality woke me up. why should i feel bad about an answered prayer?
i realized there is no point thinking that the nclex-rn as an examination that would measure my intelligence and capabilities. for the first time in my life, i viewed an exam as an oppotunity for me that would open even more and greater opportunities.

remember why i even left the philippines? i ran away bacause i knew that if i stayed a little longer, i would have had to take the local nursing licensure exam. and i didnt want that. i was afraid id fail.

running away. im so good at it that sometimes it makes me nauseated. i figured it has got to stop. i had to move forward. i have to.

i woke up early the next day, registered online and picked a test date. the funny thing was i already packed all my books and study materials whatsoever. so i had to dig through the underbed boxes for my books again. i also had to stay away from blogspot, friendster and myspace. i stopped playing harvest moon on ds. cried from time to time. and prayed a lot.

days passed until december 8 came. it was THE day. immediately after i entered my answer for item number 80, the computer automatically shut off. right there and then, i wanted to cry out loud. why did it have to shut off when we all know the computer could give me as much as 265 items? why did it have to shut off when i barely had answers i was sure of? whatever the answer was, that was it for me. done. i walked out the premises and man, i was just floating!

december 11. a little bit before lunch time, i guess. the plane touched down. i felt a tear on my cheeks. i was thinking of the promise i made to my father. i swore to him id be ready by december. i told him when december arrives, i will take an exam and be ready by then. it was painful that i had to go home without any good news. it was hurtful that maybe i wasnt able to keep my promise. no one knows. but i felt the pain and the anxiety.

every thing was uncertain since we didnt know the results yet. but every day, i was just scared and ashamed that i might disappoint my father. and christmas was just around the corner so it sucked big time, right?

morning of december 24, my aunt called up my dad. he passed the phone to me. i knew it was going to be about the state board.

uhm.. did i get lucky? you guess. here:

kristine joi c. bunoan, r.n., b.s.n.

get it?
yes, i got lucky, silly. :) dont you know prayers can move mountains?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU.

ps.
apologies to all those who visited this site only to find a blog in coma.

respi - saw you amd your bro in greenhills the weekend before christmas i think. me and my bro were super sabogtoo kaya hindi na kita binati. you looked sabog too. hehe. how come i cant get through your xanga? what are you using now, anyway?

kai - sorry i was MIA when you visited west coast. im in the philippines right now. as ive promised my dad, i spent the holidays with him and my brother. hey, dont know if its the internet connection or my pc but i just couldnt open your blogsite... boohoo.

after disney

2006-10-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

still breathing.
yes, am still alive. who cares? duh.

weekend wasnt stressful at all.
sometimes i wish i could stop the clock from ticking. that way, ill have all the time in the world to be with all the kids i love and watch them grow, play with them and just be silly before they could even turn bigger than me.

been thinking about this for a while so might as well say it out loud here. my sundays are starting to feel like family days. just like before. i hope it doesnt end. but im glad you know.

hopefully, it'll help to keep my fingers crossed. who knows?
for now, ill just continue breathing. maybe tomorrow, ill get lucky.
just maybe.

when homesickness attacks

2006-09-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

it must have been hard for him to hear his little girl sobbing on the other line. no matter how much hard i tried to hide the pain, i was unsuccessful to stop the tears from flowing. didnt mean to make him worry. tried to console my sorrow with the hug and sweet words of my papang, but you know, nothing beats the comfort of having him around. his and my bro's mere presence soothe this brat's emotions.

its difficult when youre used to being surrounded by people whom you tell almost everything you feel, hear or see. without having the need to sugarcoat or delete somethig you have in mind. without being judged or whatsoever. its ironic that what ive been so used to and what have worked for me and my men, apparently, does not necessarily work for everybody. i blame myself. for lapse of judgment. for expecting things to be the same if not better. for thinking everyone that talks to me about my future cares and loves me as he does. or like my brother does.

to be in this position is more or less my fault. but as i have said again and again, i try to be a little stronger. but isnt it as hurtful to know "a little" is not enough? will never be enough?

more than just a little of strength is what i need but what can i do if my sole source of strength and i are miles are miles apart? can it be fedex-ed? boi, how i wish it was that easy. life is never fair and i know that too well. learned that from him, from the bestest of the bestest.

id like to share something my old friend, gc, told me. the people whom you think are trying to stop you from everything are actually the ones who are pushing you to be better, to be in the right place. gawd, i sure hope i didnt mess with my grammar this time.

geez, life is trippin' on me. ~~damn~~ darn it .

today in main street

2006-09-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

safe to say, today is better than yesterday and the days before that. main street probably played a magic trick on me or something. or was it my red hoody that did that to me? whatever it is, i think like it.

the only thing i hate in hospitals are the potatoes. no. i dont mean to say i hate potatoes. but i dont like it when cafeterias dont serve rice. i see my aunts trying their best to avoid rice and i serioulsy pity them. i told tita c, id die in huner if i give up on my favorite source of carb. i dont care if you say its gonna make me seem like i grow watermelon in my belly button. (if were watching the same tv shows then you prolly know where i got that line from). potatoes, noodles.. or whatever rice substitute, i dont care. i want my rice.

and few months ago i was asked whether or not i was ready. you know. to be a nurse. work in a hospital. deal with sick people and all that. (although clients could be well patients too.) i didnt know what to answer then coz honestly i wasnt sure at all. but now, i think im ready. or maybe i dont even just think that. maybe, well, just maybe, i know i am ready.

the hospital makes me feel alive. im not sure it ever made me feel this way before. but it did today and yesterday. and compared to the ones ive been affiliated to, the health facilities i walk into these days are rather inspiring. you see flowers, you see people smiling, asking how youve been, wishing you a good day.. its just sooo different. and thats what i want to be part of.

books are also a reason for me to smile today. got my library card today and it felt really really glorious. call me OA, i dont care. my house should have a library.

oh i practically walked the whole day. and my feet dont even hurt. its so cool. i just love it. despite getting hurt every once in a while, i love america. but i dont hate philippines either. in fact, i cant even say US is better than pinas. gets?

anyways, today is like realization day. well, not really. but somehow, i was reminded of why i am here. my purpose. i just hope i dont forget it again tomorrow. boohoo.

only girl no more

2006-09-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

its never easy sticking with someone whose behavior is not much understood by most people. you choose to stay because you know that most of the time, it is this sort of people who needs help the most.

sometimes it gets harder when you can clearly see its going to cause you a lot of trouble. that its going to bring you sh*t. its like being in a tragic movie where the ship youre in is sinking and you have to choose who to save: the one you love or yourself.

there would be some points when you'll feel like its been to much and you would jsut want to leave and walk away. it happens. sometimes you just run out of patience. but the very moment you think of giving up on a certain person, guilt starts to crawl under your skin. like you deserve to care only for others. as if it is a shame to love yourself more than anyone else in this world. so then again, you choose to stay and maybe, just maybe, be a little stronger.

im not sure this is about you and me. or anyone for that matter. all i am sure of is that i am no longer the one and only. people around me have been showing signs here and there. but i just shook my head and try not to notice. but its all clear now. i am the leading lady no more. its not just me anymore. in fact, i think (and feel), theres no more me at all.

back when i was busy with philosophy and lovin it

back when we were just kids

back when he was there to comfort me

back when they were just within my reach

back when shopping wasnt a problem

back when bora was just there waiting for me

back when eastwood meant good memories

back when i had someone to listen to me

back when living alone was easy

back when body hatin wasnt my thing

back when i was there for everybody

ps. ill post some bday related pics next time. its not a lot but it should be enough to tell you how its been lately. here's one photo:

nothing really rowdy.

burbank+downtown disney

2006-09-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

the date?? just cheating.
not really in the mood to make an entry today. just been looking some pics to make myself a little chirpier. ahh, the highlights of this month. am not sure it works though. so what? big deal.

help me think of happy thoughts. just happy thoughts. disney. rainforest cafe's volcano cake. gozum. simba who is always kinikilig every time i touch him. weird cat. gigantic legos. long beach. nowhere to go type of walk. after coffee gum from starbucks which beb decided to give me as a souvenir. flip flops and flat shoes. yesterday, i convinced myself not to worry about my height too much anymore. comfort first. should learn how not to care about the world knowing how tall i really am. or short. whatev. the tunic R gave me. its soooooo cool. eating out. or just eating. old friends. gitara.. i cant believe im putting it here. yes, gitara.

am deciding whether or not i am liking two thousand oh-oh six. whatever.

2006-09-09T21:19:00.000-07:00

another fun weekend. old friend + new acquaintances + hard drinks + guitar + walk by the beach. you see its all good. thanks to R and M. oh, that M is one helluva funny guy. i literally had kabag the first night. he baptized me with a new name: Vaughn.
R and i were joking that i should be called by my first name since im already dalaga. but she keeps forgetting and still calls me bone. M says it should be vaughn since im in the us and it should be with class daw. lol. then theres also G (i dont know, they call him "gey-an" but lets just call him G for blogging's sake) . as if M is not yet enough to make me and R laugh for like every second.
although i kinda miss cuervo and genuine lambanog (which i know ill never ever taste again) , we skipped tequila and had something else instead. vodka mixed with, as G called it, "shampoo and conditioner." never finished with my glass since all of them quickly refilled my glass every time i was done with one third of my vodka mix. yes, i had a separate glass. we were just laughing all night.
the first thing i noticed when i entered M's pad? ha! a guitar. he's f*cking guitar. man, the guy is good. which made me miss this:

i dont know if he was just too drunk but M said "t*ngina, my talent to," when i started strumming the strings. G also said "t*ngina, mas marunong pa tong mag-gitara sakin eh noh." flattered, of course. but hello?! i can hardly remember the songs and chords anymore. so yeah, maybe we were just too intoxicated to distinguish whats talent and trash.
long beach kind of reminded me of eastwood. i know the prior is waaay better than eastwood but, i dont know, i was just reminded. long beach. i just love the cold and the endless walking, like, wherever the wind takes you kind of walking.
am unemployed and spent a lil today but i barely give a damn. some day is nearing. i deserve something roxy and good food. plus, the Islands meal is the best way i could think of to thank the three for making today and yesterday more than okay. i dont even mind that i missed going to J's birthday party.
the hugging part was kind of unexpected. wow, it felt really sincere. i really appreciate how much they wanted me to enjoy l.a., burbank, and long beach. i was laughing almost all of the time that the four of us were together.
lets do a little recap. last week was with JmG and rach in downtown disney. and this week with R, M and G. im already happy and its not even my birthday yet. wow.

2006-09-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

in the meantime, let me post something in response to my fellow blogger's tag. but this one's with a twist. naks. i shall leave the sixth slot for you to complete.

once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. in the end of it, pick six of your friends and tag them! (no tag backs.) this explanation must be included, of course.[source]

(and can i just say, this is my first time to use blocquote. lol.)

bed's twin!
at night i would set the alarm clock in such a way that i could snooze for like ten times pa before i get up. let's say i have to wake up at 9am. i will set the alarm at 7am and hit snooze button until im ready. i like to wake up... really wake up only when i am ready. but sometimes, i have no choice. silly world. and no matter how much shut-eye i get, it will never be enough. i want to sleep. i could settle with daydreaming if sleeping is not an option.

not really maarte.
let me explain. i know the way i talk and the way i execute my movements are maarte but when it comes to other things, i am really not. like i dont care if i have to touch a worm or something like that. i could eat almost anything. and i dont mind eating with my hands or without even a plate. im not really good with makeups and dressing up, heck i usually dont even care how my hair looks like.

girlfriends' boyfriend's favorite.
i am brutally frank. tactless, if you prefer that. but im just honest. i dont say what people want to hear, i blurt what they have and should hear. puts me in trouble sometimes but i never learned my lesson. i dont like lying and i dont want lies and those who tell them as well. i dont care if your my friend or not, i dont sugarcoat. when i can, i dont choose to be bias. thats why my girlfriends' boys like me.. as a friend, of course.

relationship = 0.
while i started early when it comes to relationship, i never had a normal one. ive never experienced being in a proper relationship. and they never last lost. lasted, i mean.. coz who knows i might meet a guy who's actually worth it, right? lol. i just cant tolerate liars. i just keep mum but i cant stand it. if they wanna talk lies, i let them be, just dont ask me to stick with them. [edit]but to be fair, its not always their fault. breakups happen mainly because of either my jealousy or their lies. or maybe theres really a neon sign pasted on my forehead saying: fool me. [/edit]

frustrated kai. translation: talent-less.
really. i dont have a talent. no matter how many lessons i attend to. or no matter how many people want to help me learn, im just a loser. i went to dance and voice lessons but bleh! sure, i was doing cheerdancing for 4 years but i just cant dance anymore. nangalawang siguro katawan ko. singing? my passion but nah, i prefer to do in the shower. when it comes to billiards, my dad and friends been trying to teach me since third year high school but im just hopeless. and the guitar thingy is just something i could dream forever. lol.

sixth slot is for you.
you think you had me figured already? tell me. do you find me makapal or something? let me know. it could be a fact about myself, you know. id be really grateful if you do this.

yen says: for me, u are one smart lady, a brave and independent woman who doesnt need someone to defend her coz u sure can take care of urself which is really admirable. u may have encountered difficulties and a lot of heartaches in the past, but u have remained to be a tough woman, and i guessed all these experiences had made what u are today!
i really do love reading ur posts, yes it is blunt but i like it, no nonsense and all those shits, u write wat u want and i hope u continue to do so. rock on girl.

i am tagging the following people because...
russ, coz you dont visit me often anymore! haha, just kidding. coz youre my first blogista friend and i actually know you.
joel sison, you said you dont update coz you have nothing to blog.
respi, paulinian ka kasi. haha connection?
shai, you seem really really nice thats why i want to know more about you.
yen, i want to know you more.
kim, because youre part of thesassychique family. lol.

oo nga, ang dami ko pang palusot eh konti lang naman talaga links ko. since i accidentally erased them everyone before.

2006-09-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

personally, i dont think the previous entry is a nice one. yes, i have these ambivalent feelings toward the issue.

the other night was more than just OK as JmG, my old and long-time friend came all the way from sacramento for the long weekend. as much as i want to infest this with photos, i cannot. simply because i dont have them yet.

but id like to share with you one of the bloopers i had that night.

we had a volcano cake. you know, fudge cake + vanilla ice cream + all else that make it chocolate-y. yummy, i know! but when i tasted the ice cream, i thought "anu ba naman tong ice cream na to, walang lasa. hindi pa malamig." of course, i was too modest to say it out loud. then after a minute or so, i started being amazed.

me: "Uy, ang galing. hindi nagme-melt yung ice cream!"

R started to laugh then when she finally got her composure. she said, "whip cream kasi sya."

okay this is weird. coz now that im reading this, it just doesnt look funny at all. but i swear it made us laugh so hard.... or maybe i was damn too happy to be with JmG again. yes, it felt like home..

SHOUTOUT: SHai, thanks a lot for helping me yet again with the codes. youre the best, girl. walang kasamang bola.

NLE leak

2006-08-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

regarding the philippine nurse licensure exam issue. i can no longer keep mum.
dante ang said "honor is more important than money, job.." you know what, its so true that all i could do was nod in agreement. even if i am thankful for not taking the local board last june and chose to run away instead, i can no longer deny that somehow i am affected by this leakage controversy. it is the integrity of the new BSN grads that is at stake. whether there has been a leakage or not, i dare not comment. but what i am seeking for is for integrity and honor be restored, if (and only if) theres nothing left to be saved. so i say, yes. there should be a retake. and it should be for everybody.

anak

2006-08-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

when you grow older, you start learning to view things from outside the box.

they say girls mature faster than boys. i dont know. how can they tell? but i think what forced me to mature faster than my other colleagues is the fact that my mom is forever working abroad.

as a kid, i didnt have a mother to help me go through obstacles that most girls experience. no one taught me how to dress up or put on make up, i did not know what to do when i had my first period -- hey, i didnt even know that it was it!, am not sure if there was even someone who taught me how to fix my hair.. if a wanted to go somewhere or wanted to spend some night out with girlfriends, i did not have someone to argue with. my father was too busy with work and out-of-town trips. it sucked so much coz every time we had intraschool dance competitions or whatnot, i only had my schoolmates for my audience. others had their mom or dad and even their sibs.

in 3rd grade, i remember my dad handing some cash which i was supposed to budget for the entire household. funny coz i didnt even know what budget meant at that time. it was hard and fun at the same time. i had freedom at an early age. i didnt even have to rebel to have it. lucky bone, you might think.

the good thing about that is that i have learned to decide on my own. somehow ive managed to push myself to go out of the box and observe. with that, i have learned to see whether something is good for me or not. i saw a lot of people grabbing whatever is within their reach. i used to envy them for winning a gorgeous boyfriend, for hooking up with the rich and famous. whatever. but when i think about it.. i went to good private schools, i have a college degree, ive travelled, my relationship with my father and bro is priceless, ive never had real curfew, i was never banned from drinking, smoking, or partying, my friends are the coolest, im close to most of my aunts and uncles, im friends with my cousins, i could work and i want to but my dad says no, i want to get married but i am not pregnant, i never needed to resort to abortion, i got good grades, i dont need to step on other people.. i could go on. life hasnt been easy all these years but its all compensated with all these blessings. and then if you look at life closely, you will see that all things are for the best. [go on, Voltaire, mock me with your Candide.]

wait a second. i didnt realize all these just like that. i would be a hypocrite to tell you i never had heartaches going through life without a mom. its painful.. big time. at one point, we tried to recoup. tried living with my mom. and im telling you, it wasnt pretty. she just didnt know us anymore and she just seemed to be a stranger to us. yes, similar to what happened to claudine and vilma in Anak. and in all honesty, the wound is deep and it is still there. but right now, i am thrilled. coz i know the day that my family will be once and for all reunited is nearing. i cant wait to start having a life with them. my mom, my dad and kuyas. wow, it would be really great to have them side by side. man, i miss them to bits.

my dad says he still sees me as his little girl most of the time but he also says that among his three devils, i mean children, i am most mature. he says my words often come with "bits and nuggets of wisdom." im just quoting the crazy old man. then my aunt says, i am responsible in most things. and that for my height, i do more than what i can. see why i love my family so much? they flood me with so many praises. lol. i just hope theyre telling the truth coz that would mean i am not at all a senseless person.

this reminds me of my being Emily to everybody. i was my dad and bro's official Emily. i packed things for them, did groceries, heck even shopping for my amiga (brother's best girl friend), daddy's staff and all, did computer jobs for them, cooked sometimes, did cleaning.. name it. after all, i am the only girl. but i lurve it. but at the moment, its all different.

i am still an Emily but not anymore to my boys. my queer kuya is jealous for me having this role. but he doesnt know its not at all easy. come on, if someone forgot her keys or cellphone somewhere -- i get the blame. if someone asks me to do this, one will reprimand me for doing just that. and if i dont do what ive been asked to do, same thing happens. someone will have to snap on me. dont get me wrong. im not complaining. i actually like it. i think its fun. but for the first time in my life this happenned: i went to the rest room to respond to the call of nature but before my ass could even touch the toilet bowl, someone was smashing the door as if someone needed to be brought to the emergency department. so i pulled up my pants and opened the door. and then the person said "have you seen my sharpener?"

that is also why i am posting a long entry now. i can hardly face a computer without being watched. lol.

under construction

2006-08-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

this morning, i received an envelope.
opened it.
then i saw a california id with my pic on it.
yes, yes. finally.

am friggin happy.
so happy i wanted a happy template.
bottom line is: this site is under construction. =)

ps.
kai, i caught shai online, she's helping me with a colorful layout.. would you still help me with the rest? thanks to the both of you.. big time.

2006-08-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

[edit]
homesickness triggered by watching sugarfree's burnout through youtube.

so its UAAp again. tsk. no biggie.

one whole day of Blogskin searching & bloghopping, and found nothing.

barely ate today and yesterday. but im still alive.

i miss the streets of Filipinas.. weird but i actually miss the traffic, and having to survive from all the kabastusan and kayabangan sa daan. there, even if i dont get enough sleep, ive never felt sleepy when driving. and the congestion gives me time to talk to myself, ponder on things, and dream.

last weekend, my cousin and i had this heated argument. coz he thinks i wont be able to handle US driving. like hello?! he was like, "eh sa freeway?" everyone's been like that to me. telling me same lagot-ka-pag-nag-freeway-ka-na-comments. ya right! i wanna see them thrive among jeepney, bus and truck drivers in manila. or manila drivers in general. speedlimit in freeway is 75mph. and drivers here are relatively goody goodies. my cousin wont even believe we could drive faster than that. he thinks PIlipinas doesnt even have a road that could accomodate more than 75mph driving.. erm.. how about katipunan, eastwood, north/south express ways when its not rush hour? i just hate it when people underestimate me. much more if they insult our dear Pilipinas. geez. just because they get their license fair and square here, that doesnt give them the authority to bullsh*t us. i forgot the exact words, but he even made a comment that basically says its NOT possible for Filipinos to drive at least 75mph coz we cant even afford petroleum products. makes sense. it actually hit me. i mean, why drive and consume gas more than one could afford.. but hey, ever heard the word tact? geez.

driving in the streets of manila is like a rollercoaster ride. driving in california is just like sitting in a couch watching the telly. and im not giving anyone the permission to disprove what im saying here. darn it. i miss real driving. real action. the kind of driving that empowers me. although its amazing and impressive to see the road and streets owned by the pedestrians, i miss the congested streets where wheels reign. i miss home. but you know, one thing ive learned is you dont plan your homecoming. youll feel it when its time to go home. and sadly, now is not my time.

give me another month. or two.. or.. hmm.

i am somehow trapped in the middle. pilipinas doesnt anymore seem so home as much as it did. and california is definitely not my home.. not yet. the other night, i felt like flying to canada. suddenly, i can feel it calling my name.

im terribly missing home, but the question is: where is my home?

[/edit]

parinig kay kai, shai.. o kung sino man diyan:

its been a long time since i last revamped my site. and i am so hungry for a new layout but im a lil lazy to do it myself. can anyone help me please? =)

david who?

2006-08-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

amaze. conjure. magic. escape. illusion. these are the words associated practically to every magician, illusionists, or however you would like to call them. but david blaine doesnt stop there. thats why ive always preferred him over any other magicians. for me, he's totally different from the others. his style is more than just tricks and illusions. a style that does not stop in merely entertaining other people. his is like a passion to test the limits of what humans can endure. his musings also impart that david blaine is NOT just a daredevil with stupid-but-still-amusing attempts to stay alive in the absence of man's basic needs. i think he's a person with so much depth.. one helluva guy who is eternally grateful to his mother, who raised him on her own.

last saturday though, i realized its not fair to not appreciate the other magicians who also work hard in the name of their passion. i received an early birthday present, which was a free ticket to a magic show. david copperfield.. man! david copperfield. only a few feet away. haha. but honestly, its not his disappearing tricks that amazed me, not even his prediction thingy, but his looks, appeal, sense of humor -- now i could agree that he's hot and uber hilarious -- and most of all, his Project Magic. its a magic school for people with various physical, psycho-social, and developmental disabilities. he, just like blaine, uses magic NOT just to entertain people.. copperfield uses magic as a tool to help special people.. magic to instill confidence to people whom you might not consider normal.

from now on, i am a fan of more than one david!

i was such in a good mood, i came up with the best ever mary kate olsen impersonation!

Oh! Wasabi

2006-07-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

as a kid, i hated it every time daddy takes me and my brothers to japanese restos while all the other kids head to jollibee or mcdonalds. but unconsciously, my love for everything jap grew each day. its crazy how i even used to dream about marrying a japanese guy thinking id surely have cute little kids. i even remember me and my ex, K, candidly talked about living in japan just in case we end up having each other for the rest of our lives. and if anything, our love for japs is one of the few things we share in our family.

anyways.. usually i am with my 8-year old cousin. i tried telling her how i get confused or feel stuck sometimes but she doesnt understand yet. she says, ".. but i dont get it." poor little girl. but wait oh, she loves jap, too!!

amidst all the confusion, boredom, and blur.. theres one thing that keeps me sane.

my weekly dose of Oh! Wasabi Sushi!! did i say it preserves my sanity?? oh well.

another weekend is here.. be sure to have a happy one. =)

on texas and the prodigal son

2006-07-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

yes, it took me that long to satisfy my craving for balsamic vinegar. i had to wait for me to puke before i could realize ive overdone it. since its been more or less 3 days, i decided to not edit my previous entry and make a new post instead.

almost three days and a lot already happened. at least in my current lifetime.

last saturday, we had a despidida (go away party) for our family friends who are moving to san antonio, texas. according to those creatures, its more of a business strategy than any thing else. tip: they said theres going to be a new oil company in texas and once it materializes, the state will definitely boom! noting that that's how california started its career daw. im thinking this must be a good news for kai.

yesterday, a family friend whom i havent seen for more than three years dropped by. not much happened but you know how it is seeing someone you havent seen for a long time. the feeling itself is good.

and then the prodigal son (H) finally came back. i am not a mother yet so i really dont know how it feels when a son goes into a hiatus. but seeing my aunt go through this sitation, i kinda have an idea. what i partly dont get is how other parents dont understand the longing of my aunt to at least see her son's face even from afar, how contented she is just listening to her son's voice when i put my cellphone on loudspeaker every time i get to talk to H, or how it lightened her day when i told her "tita, i checked out friendster and it says its only been three days since kuya H last logged in. that means he's alive." "talaga? buhay ang anak ko," said she with twinkling eyes. after a month or so of haggling with my cousin, which was always over the phone, i was finally able to convince him to see his mom. the moment he said yes, i was thrilled. i figured its going to thrill everybody most especially my aunt. it was around 10pm. i immediately called her up to tell her the news, instructing her not to leave her house coz H is picking me up then we'd go there together. little did i expect that i also have to negotiate with my other aunt and grandparents for them to allow me facilitate "the homecoming."

this morning, aunt2 called me up and she sounded really upset saying i better call my grandpa, which i immediately did. only to find out how disappointed he is. better not go into details, but do you see the picture? do you feel the tension? though i am not sure where the tension is coming from.. my granpa is nice and always fun to be with.. as much as i want to spend time with everyone, isa lang ang katawan ko. and my being with H today doesnt mean that to me, he's more special than everyone else in the family. its just that he is the prodigal son.

2006-07-21T15:58:00.000-07:00

im currently playing happy by square heads. it doenst necessarily mean i am in love and happy.. but as the songs goes, happy is i wanna be.

... wait, my tongue is craving fr some balsamic vinegar. ill be back to continue with this post. of course, i could just save this as draft.. but i dont want to coz i want a new entry.. badly! hehe.

losing faith

2006-07-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

my heart feels a bit heavy.
its been forever and i still havent received the necessary documents. i had it all figured out since 2003 but why does it seem like destiny is not cooperating with me? its just frustrating when you have planned everything carefully while the others are busy hurting other people and still things dont happen as you planned. not even close. theres not even a hint that says youre on the right track or that everythings gonna be okay soon.
everyone says i have to be patient. im trying my best. but you see, ive been waiting for a while now and i feel like im gonna explode anytime.. im praying so hard for guidance and all that but im about to lose faith.
just so unfair. and yesterday, the results of the local nurse licensure examination was released. it shouldnt affect me since i didnt take it. most of the people i know passed. except for one person, C. ive seen her work so hard. she's put a lot of effort and shes really one bright student. not only that, god knows shes one of the nicest girls in the world. sabi nga nila, siya ang taong pwedeng abusaduhin. so i was like, how could the bad ones pass? and there are also those who just didnt study seriously and still passed. i am disappointed. i could go straight to hell for what ive been thinking since yesterday. nasan na si god? why are the victors the evil ones? why is he letting the bad prevail over good?
not only that. the controversy. prc is even aware of it. everyone who passed is aware of the leakage. papalagpasin na lang ba ulit? does anyone remember the word "fair??"
ya, with all that, i am convinced i have to do something really bad in order to advance. seeing how the game of life is running, i am convinced i have to be an asshole just to get ahead of life.. but thats not me. im not an asshole and i know ill never be one. but i dont wanna be stuck here forever.. do you get it everytime i say i am so much in a deadend situation? its like i have to choose between evil/success and good/failure.
my tita says darating din ang karma sa mga taong ganun. kung hindi naman, god bless their hearts. you know, whether or not karma would hit the villains, i could care less! really. i wouldnt care at all.. basta wag lang sana napapabayaan yung wala namang inaaapakang ibang tao para lang makalamang.
life is unfair. i know it never is.. but this is too much. i need a god. where is he?

on celebrity mags

2006-07-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

"are you working?"

"uh no."

"do you have a cellphone?"

i pondered for a moment. "no." of course, i lied."

"you're very beautiful."

"thank you." i really was grateful.

but god knows i almost crawled away from the guy. why does it always have to come from the wrong guy? fine, maybe im just being a diva. blame it on celebrity magazines. i even labeled my files "hollywood files" and my bags "hollywood bags." i swim almost everyday and i start imitating paris hilton's paparazzi shots. i follow writer's advice on how to pose in such a way that youre tummy stays tucked. i run on parking lots, wearing big dark shades, toward mall entrances as if photographers are trying to take a shot -- but actually, i am just running away from the sun. the heat is just killing me. but last night, i had to borrow someone else's sweater. yes, its summer and i borrowed a sweater. hows that? i really am not making sense, am i? blame it on Star, Us, and life&Style.. theyve been keeping me and my eyes busy when im supposed to be reading Saunder's Comprehensive Review. darn it. darn those celebrity mags.

adobo vs. burrito

2006-07-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

adobo vs. burrito
thats what carlos said. obviously, adobo wins. pacquiao wins!
woohoo..! mas masarap naman kasi talaga ang adobo.

summer in cali

2006-06-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

still at a lost but at least i get to laugh more than once a day now. and its not just laughing to make people think im happy. what i have is more like a kid's giggle as if she's just been tickled by her mom. and when i go to bed, i barely have worries to sleep on. i just tuck myself to bed to sleep.

yes, it must be more peaceful now than it was there. although sometimes i think of my brother, too. he's almost home alone.. we're so used to having each other. but sometimes, one just have to let go. this is just one of the sacrifices we have to make in order to move forward. its not at all easy. it could have been if we didn't have so much bond or whatever you call it. huh! come to think of it, he's the closest thing i could have for a bestfriend.. and im lucky. coz i know in other families, some brothers and sisters dont even have whatever kind of relationship. family is really the greatest blessing i have ever received.

this is my first summer here. usually, im here during spring. well, this isnt like my other trips anyway. this time, it isnt purely for fun.. i am here to learn as well. mostly to learn how to live and to get a life.

had my first epistaxis the other day. probably even the first in my entire life. and i felt so alive. as if it was a confirmation of my existence. and at least i didnt need someone else for me to feel it. its all good, you know. now, im done just appreciating the simplest things. i now find pleasure in watering the plants, sweeping the floor, cooking even if i can barely cook, cleaning, watching teleseryes which i used to hate, staring at the mountains, playing with the dog, having long brisk walks, watching birds fying by, and of course, washing the dishes. in fact, i no longer stay on line for more than an hour.

very blessed. thats how i feel most days. actually, we are all blessed. but whether or not to accept this simple fact is a choice we have to make... i think.

happy weekend, everyone!

blah-blah

2006-06-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

if only my internet does not suck all the time, then maybe i could blog like 247. or maybe if my life wasnt this boohoo, then maybe id tell you everything that happens every second of my life. lol. but the good news is, im leaving friday. and maybe, just maybe, the internet "there" would be much much better. then itd be really great. i wouldnt just put in texts.. i would probably even upload tons of graphics.. oh, so cant wait.

but if there's one exciting thing that happened this month, thats when Pakkun (not his real name) got to stay here with us for almost two weeks. putting aside the fact that he's sickly, he's awesome and surely fun to be with. he has this weird way of making lambing and tampo. actually, his overall behavior is quite bizarre for his type. but that makes him so lovable -- his uniqueness. aww.. its only been 4 days since he left and i already miss him terribly.

look at the alien doggy.. uh... he's more like a tamed ferret.. i think.

noooo!! he's not the one in MIB. please.

in a local magazine, i read dumaguete being a favorite spot of a certain Unang Hirit host. geez, thats strange. coz i was there last week, and i didnt find it whoa! you know what i mean? but i must admit sta. monica resort provided me a good ambience. relaxing. and the smell of the beach is just super. now that i remember, the main reason i didnt appreciate dumaguete that much was because i had my period. which means i wasnt able to swim until my last night there. also, its so hard to find a good sastre there who'd accept a rush job. hehe. strangely though, there was this guy in dumaguete. the first time i saw him there was in a church. but whats really weird is that he's been in my dreams for like 2 or 3 nights already.

then there was also this little homecoming for my lolo-slash-uncle who had not been to ifugao (his home town) for 40 years. one whole day of karaoke equals fun. add good food and family to that and voila! super. only in ifugao. =)

time has been running so fast that i dont even hear the clock tick anymore.. but i might have overslept too much coz when i woke up, everyone around me is either getting married, married already, pregnant or already has a baby. geez.. where was i?? riza has been trying to convince me to get married.. ya right, as if! plus, theres no way im getting married if its not nov. 24, 2011 yet. haha.

and since the day i woke up, ive been really busy with eveything. busy with my balikbayan relatives, out-of-town trips, pertinent documents which i have to get fixed before i leave so as not to leave any headaches to my father dear.. uh huh, and i missed my 4th visit to bora as well as nba's game 2.

my next vacation would be in california (if god permits.) and hopefully, ill get to meet up with you, kai! the trip is supposed to help me find myself. to cleanse me from my confusion and everything negative. i feel _____ these days. just fill in the blank coz i cant find the right word myself. its just that there are lot of things in my mind. plans, dreams, fears.. everything.

when i reach the age of 26, i want to have my own business, car, house and extra money. and at 28, id be getting married! yes, im a dreamer but the great titadon says its feasible. and i beliee her coz in her early twenties, she was already successful and been travelling the world for 10 years now. she's only 32, mind you.. she's such an inspiration. and that i think is what family is supposed to be -- an inspiration.

boring..

2006-05-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

apologies.. i didnt mean to post a blank entry. if you could even call it an entry. haha. i wasnt even aware of it. i guess that makes it a lil obvious that i am still a little lost these days, huh?
im finally "breaking up" with tj.. if you still remember who he is.. but its rather for a good cause. okay, okay. tj is the accord i just got a little over a year ago. my dad and i decided to sell it already. come to think of it, we were planning to sell even before we could even get me a car. tsk. tsk. and people were telling me theyd buy it from me before i could even tell them id sell it. tsk. tsk. and now that im actually selling it, those guys suddenly vanished. as in poof! guys guys.. all talk. how tragic.
im really really starting to let go of my old life. i think. aside from finally agreeing to sell the car, i also gave up some of my stuffs already. and not just some stuffs. you know, things that used to mean a lot to me.. things that i thought i cant live without.. its not really because i hate my life now. but its rather because i want to redirect my life. i want to move forward and the only way to do so is to let go of the past and stop holding back. and with moving forward, i mean moving towards God, success, good health and happy life. hopefully.
still unemployed and ill probably be such for only God knows how long, but it doesnt bother me that much anymore. i dont know, my fantasies and illusions somehow convinced me that good things are waiting for me. how true? no idea. for the moment, ill continue living. after all, thats the only option i have.

pakkun

2006-05-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

mothers day entry

2006-05-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

1. hmm.. im late again for mother's day.

if you have a mom to argue with about the simplest things in life, you're lucky.
if you have a mom who reminds you that youre beautiful, you're lucky.
if you have a mom who gives advices about boys, love, kikay stuff, or whatever, im telling you.. you're lucky.
if you have a mom who cooks good food, wow, you're lucky.
if you have a mom you can hug when you're feeling blue, you're lucky.
if you have a mom to cover up your wrong doings from your dad, you're lucky.
if you have a mom you can laugh with or even cry with.. you're lucky.
if you have a mom you can give roses to every second sunday of may, you're lucky.

or simply put, you're sooo lucky to have a mom like yours..

belated happy mother's day to all moms out there.. =)

2. i stood in front of a mirror and looked at myself.. i put an evil grin coz at the back of my mind i was telling myself, "oh geez, youre beautiful." and i dont even think i was being conceited at all. i take it as a good sign.. that im moving forward. you see, a lot have happened the past few months and mishaps have stolen most of my self-esteem and confidence but now, i am little by little standing up from those i have stumbled upon.. and i dont just think that. i KNOW so.. =)

3. oh, welcome back from HK, yen.
4. believe me, i am not heart broken.. =)

hurting each other

2006-05-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

girl and boy.
both afraid of hurting each other.
so they try hard enough to control what they really feel for each other.
the result?
they end up hurting each other.

shit happens.
and so does love.
but sometimes, we're just too scared to accept it.

and what the hell am i writing about?
i have no idea.
love is probably just trying to haunt me.
eeek!

thank you..

2006-05-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

yes, running away.. thats what i do best.
its not always for the better.. but sometimes, its what you simply want so you just go for it. and hope for the best.

i am leaving soon, running away from the place which is little by little becoming less and less friendly.. i am moving on, leaving behind all the fears, love and hurt that once filled my heart.. i am turning my back on people whom ive loved and loved me in return, from all those whom i have hurt and hurt me as well.

its about starting anew. i dont know how long it will take me to be away but the feeling is just way way overwhelming.. its funny because it was i (the selfish side of me) who insisted on this. im happy. but worried, too. firstly because my father seems to be having secodn thoughts on this. and you know what they say, mother knows best. and he's technically my mother. it scares me when this happens, coz last time we disagreed on something (or someone rather), he was ALL right. and you know how it is when youre being told the words "i told you so." hehe. im not sure how this is going to change my life either. i always say im in a quarterlife crisis. but a lot of doors have opened. im lucky i even have options. but its tricky coz its hard to choose. so this is how it is when you have to decide all by yourself and for yourself, eh?

this trip might even change how my family is right now. or how they will take it. ive always been more than cl0se and open to my boys (dad and brother). sure, we've talk about this many times but never seriously. and besides, its only going to take me just a couple of months.. maybe.

if things dont turn out as planned, i could always go back anytime. ive been thinking that i could always go back to where ive left (by then).. but then suddenly, naisip ko, paano kung wala na pala akong mababalikan? scary.. really really scary.

but this is a personal journey im trying to traverse. its full of uncertainties but one thing is for sure, ill have god with me.

its not going to be for good, but who knows where or how the blind blows? so whatever happens, id like to take this chance to thank everyone, no matter how deep or shallow the friendship/relationship is, no matter how long or short the time we've spent together.. thank you for touching my life.. for being a part of me. ill see you all soon.

ps. wait, i did not say im saying goodbye, okay? :P

run away

2006-04-28T04:50:00.001-07:00

mild to moderate anxiety, undioagnosed. although i have not consulted a doctor yet (as if its socially acceptable here in our country to seek even just a psychiatric consultation), i am positive that i am more or less (more on the more) neurotic. we all have our neurotic moments. neurosis is different from psychosis, by the way. the difference between the two is for you to find out.

i thought i am ready for the big test (actually, i really WAS ready) but each day, my apprehensions continue to progress hence the decreasing learning ability, memory and sanity. i was really, really determined and focused to top "it" since february until holy week arrived. i was literally pushed to be out of track. and now i find it so hard to go back. as a result, my id and superego are in major conflict. if i fail to setlle this, it will ultimately lead to the falldown of my ego a.k.a. personality and disintegration of my perception of reality. although being normal is quite.. uhm.. boring, i would say.. mental breakdown is still something i dont want to happen just because of some examination.

as self-centered as it may sound, i decided to protect my ego and save myself from further insanity. to do just that, ive made up my mind. i will run away. and i have actually planned a specific escape. (may the good lord help me.)

i am running away.

homosexuality

2006-04-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

this is something that just popped in my head while i was studying..

according to some theorists of the developmental stages, it is during the preschool stage that homosexuality starts to develop, consciously or unconsciously..

and then one of my professors says that its possible for person to be gay and homophobic at the same time.

i have nothing against gays, lesbians, or whatnot.. but here's my theory.

players are actually gay homophobics. people who couldnt accept their true identity. they deny that deep inside, they are actually gay. so what they do is cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends, hook up with the species of the opposite sex as much as they can in order to convince themselves that they're not gay. cheating is their way of suppressing their real self-identity and gender. cheating is their ego defense mechanism.

but you see, there's really no point in doing that. coz for sure, no matter how good they are at hiding their homosexuality, it will come out at some point. and why hide it anyway? theres nothing wrong being gay. whats wrong is fooling yourself. not accepting who you really are. and worse, if you choose fooling around just to validate that your straight or as a form of pretecting your ego, you'll just end up hurting the person youre in a relationship with.

straight or gay.. theres only one word to descirbe these players: LOSERS.

again, i have nothing against homosexuality.
ps. yen, i tried visiting your site but it says, "bandwidth exceeded.." =(

being young

2006-04-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

if youre twenty something or even in your 50's or 60's and you still can be young, snaps for you.

youth, i think, is one of the few things we should hold on to for as long as we can.
so what if people say youre so bata or whatnot. most often than not, they're just jealous coz they couldnt afford to be fun or to at least enjoy life the way the young at heart does.

being young is a treasure. so savor it. don't be afraid to liberate the child in you. remember, age is just a number and you can always lie about it.. although there's really no need to do that. lol. dance in the rain, play patintero, or whatever.. doodle, swim, sing even if you cant carry a tune, laugh out loud, be crazy.. from time to time, magpaka-dugyut. haha. learn new things. simply put, HAVE FUN.

there's no need to hurry, life is short and its end is inescapable.. so why rush?! stay young.

i am not interested on how old are you.. so tell me how young you are instead. ;)

Happy Easter!

2006-03-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have kept my silence for quite a while.. I just thought I didn't owe anyone an explanation or anything… sabi nga nila, "your enemies won't believe you and your friends don't them them.." but I figured I have to say my piece and I have a lot to say, you know! And besides, I miss blogging, bloghopping, and my fellow bloggers.

1. You know how it is when someone you trust suddenly betrays you? If you know how it feels, triple it.. or maybe times ten even. coz its not just one person, its like a whole family. Bullshit, isn't it? but I don't mind. I prefer to look at the bright side. I realized my family isn't that bad after all. And that some people are just so lupa for me and they made it so easy for me to see that. At least it didn't take me years to figure that it is not the kind of family I would want to be involved with.. I guess everything was just a façade but thank god, the wall that used to separate me from reality is now smashed to smithereens. I've remained stoic though. Think it is better this way. It is easier to move on, it is easier to let go of people and events that were not really meant for me. To quote Kate Hudson in Alex and Emma, "there are some things that are nothing more than what they are. they're not meant to last. they just take their place in your heart and make you a little smarter the next time."

2. for you: I am not giving anyone the right to insult me or my intelligence, capacities, and my existence. No, you have no right at all just as I have no right to judge you and your being. ugh, not to brag or anything, but I didn't go to dlsu for nothing.. hello?! did you even pass ust? coz when i took the entrance exams there, i fell asleep and passed it still. oh, did you pass up? hindi rin? how about admu? i didnt try there.. oh, no, you didnt pass anywhere? so why do you act like youre the most intelligent person in this world? oh yeah, you got yourself a mental disease.. grandiosity. tsk. oh please, get a life. i so don't like the idea of people judging me when in fact they know nothing about me. never tell what i can or cannot do. because, although i am not a fan of vengeance --and pleeease, i dont have the time for that -- i find so much pleasure doing what people say i cannot do. haters and distractors.. sweetie, you're all my inspiration. so before you even regret having said something about me, you better start hiding under your mom's skirt coz i promise people will laugh at you for talking ill. but no, instead of commencing another world war, i prefer keeping my grace and controlling my temper. i am being patient as much as i can, i leave it all to my Savior.

3. "welcome back nerd.." or simply hearing my name.. it just makes me feel so at home. ive left earth for the longest time, wasted a part of my life with creautres who just sucked on my blood. but its nice to know that when it was time to come back, those real and faithful were there just waiting for me to come home. nice, isn't it?

4. which reminds me... do you even have friends? no, aside from your girl/boyfriend.. no, not the ones you get to say hi and hello to just because you go to the same office or something.. no! not even those who want to sit beside you just because you will let them copy your answers.. you know, someone who will be there to cry or laugh with you.. listen to you with all sincerity.. share secrets with.. someone who will choke you to death until you wake up from a destructive fantasy.. someone who will stab you in front.. you know what i mean.. do you? do you have at least one real friend? i have and with that, i have more than enough reason to be happy.

5. then he said, "about three weeks ago, i woke up and asked myself what the hell am i looking for when i already have the best woman in the world.." sweet. he looked so happy and vibrant that all i could do was smile back and say "good for you.. good for you." i really hope its true coz ive already put a curse on all players -- they will all go straight to hell! hehe. oh, and liars too.

6. i keep at least two pics of my Chiz -- one in my wallet and another plastered in my car -- then someone asked "boyfriend mo?" haha. i refused to answer. ya right.. the only reason ive put his photo in front of the driver's seat of my car is to remind me of my taste. and my standards on men every now and then. that way, i will not forget my worth again. and never again to like someone out of his league.

7. Poks! haha.. and we thought we're happy being singles eh? hehe. i really am so happy for you. =) i know you have lot of love to give... a keep smiling.

8. can somebody please destroy all my brother's naruto cd? its driving me insane.. haha. its so addictive. especially the chuunin named shikamaru. he's funny. he reminds me of me. he thinks everything is troublesome. he's too lazy that people would usually underestimate him. haha. he is officially my favorite. but it sucks coz i checked out this anime store and looked for shikamaru stuff. what did i get? ugh, just a notebook.. all other naruto-related stuff are not all shikamaru-related.

9. tomorrow is april fool's day.. and my mom's birthday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY!

on hiatus

2006-03-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

something big is coming.
its giving me a heart attack.
i figured i have to be prepared for it...
and so i decided to stay away from what is pleasurable as much as possible.
sacrifice.
thats what i call it.
im keeping my fingers crossed.
hopefully, its all going to turn out good.
... praying sooo hard for it.

2006-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

classic design.
nylon strings.
with pick-up/amp.
comes with case.
barely used.
super slim..!
ideal for beginners..
loved by the experts.. hehe.

Php 3k (neg!!)

For more pictures, visit: http://bonebunoan.multiply.com/market

If interested, please leave your name + contact numbers(s) through haloscan.

thanks,
++ bone ++

hahaha, more bullshit

2006-02-25T04:20:00.000-08:00

when you realize you havent done anything but to make someone happy.. or to help someone find happiness no matter how humbug he or she is, you really have got nothing to worry.

when you dont feel anger at all for having received what you do not deserve, you will see your worth.

when youre major major major merry, nothing and noone can ever ruin you and your day.

lets all feel the bliss.. SMILE. KISS. HUG. LAUGH. i just did. FEEL GOOD.

aftermath

2006-02-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

goodness, im feeling better (again!). i hope this time it lasts longer. hehe.
thank you, thank you.. thank you, lord! =)

euro star trip

2006-02-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

now, it isnt just my heart thats bruised.. look:

i woke up this morning feeling rather disappointed. im still alive. sigh. although last night was fun, as duds said it would be. euro star definitely helped me survive another night. but every time the screaming fades, i could hear my heart breaking. no matter how much i enjoyed the carnival and the company of some friends, nothing made me forget about what is bothering me... but i dont wanna bore you with my depression. we should discuss the famous Euro Star Carnival....

i should mention that before i went there, i first googled it to help me decide whether or not i should go.. coz, it was supposed to be a post-valentine surprise for that someone.. i had it planned for over a week.. then poof! gone. i ended up being with other friends instead. anyways.... there's no point mentioning things that didnt even occur. just like not having to mention in the newspaper those millions of people who didnt win the lottery so there.. most of the search results led me to blog sites. bloggers unanimously have claimed all rides to be death-defying.. and some even say there's this one ride thats definitely life-changing. well.. let see..

BOOSTER
this was my first ride. its major fun.. except that im so tiny that my body practically went "everywhere.." it hit everything it can. it was physically painful on my part. but being on this ride.. damn. it made me want to be the wind.. no, its safer to say this: it felt heaven that i just had to close my eyes and just savor the moment. but isnt it that even with eyes closed, you can still see some light? it was beautiful.. although afterwards, it somehow made me feel a little wobbly.. still, it was beautiful.

FLIPPER
my second ride. the minute it began, i just started laughing. really, the ride is funny. nakakahilo nga lang.. but it was partly my fault coz my eyes were open. this one was not at all scary so if youre a bit lily-livered, this ride wont be a problem at all. you can do this one. trust me.

BUMP CAR
aha! as a kid, i was never a fan of bump cars.. coz i always ended up being stuck. but now that i can drive already, ive learned to enjoy these things!! and i just lurve bumping here and there then being able to "escape.." its lovelier to speed first then target a friend to bump with.. and then you both laugh.. the kids now are better than during my time. so beware of them.. hehe oooh, i love it.

FLUME WATER.. erm.. i dont remember how its exactly called.
this one's similar to EK's Log Jam. it wasnt as terrifying as the other rides.. actually, it was NOT terrifying at all. but it felt good every time the water splashed. we had this for like more than 10 times maybe.. i dont know, i didnt count.. but every time my friends and i got tired, we just headed there or to the bump cars to rest and still have fun.. but we also tried the ferris wheel and carousel for relaxation..

FERRIS WHEEL
damn was it huge! here, youre allowed to ride without emptying your pockets.. you will not be asked to leave everything in the baskets provided for your belongings.. this means, here, you'll have a chance to take picture-picture!

CAROUSEL
okay, i regret having ridden this thing. it just made me dizzy. but then again, pwede ulit mag-picture- picture dito. so masaya na din.

RANGER
definitely one of the best rides. everyone says its similar to EK's Anchors Away (siguro kasi boat din yung design) except that it makes a 360-degree turn.. so there are literally "upside-down" moments.. one helluva ride.. but personally, i found this milder as compared to the other rides. pwdeng ulit-ulitin. ranger and booster are actually my favorites!

JOKER
no comment, i was such a loser.. a chicken! i didnt try this one.. it could accomodate only up to 8 people.. and the ride is very "open" so it scared me to bits. now, you can laugh. hehe. according to my friends who tried it: "masarap." ill try to go back on or before the 28th and hopefully by then i already have the nerves to try this one out.

HOUSE OF HORROR
if your companions arent fun to be with, then you'll find this lousy. remember the horror booths you had during your high school fairs?? those are more frightening. euro's house of horror will not at all scare you unless you and your buddies start scaring each other. you have to trick your mind to feel the "horror" and be scared.. then scream a bit, too. and laugh out loud. me and my friends had fun doing this. it lasted prolly for less than two minutes but i must have laughed a lil too much coz when i got out of the house, my abdominal muscles were hurting as if ive done 300 crunches! haha, just exaggerating of course.

GAME BOOTHS
before leaving the carnival, you should at least play some games. my friends and i had so much fun laughing at each others stupidities and all that. we were lucky, the people who were supposed to be just passing by decided to watch and laugh at/with us, too.. after watching, perhaps they thought we were so silly for not winning at all so they ended up buying tokens for themselves and decided to show us how it is really done.. aha! they just gave us the chance to laugh back at them. boohoo!! fun, fun, fun!

there were other rides, too.. particularly for the kids.. they have a tiny version of EK's Flying Fiesta and Anchor's Away but only for the kiddos.. i wanted to try them out but but but.. maybe next time. if there'll be a next time.

here are some pictures:

he said its going to be fun.. heck, it was more than fun!

[clockwise] 1. marlyn, pinks, con, & bone after having survived the Ranger with two staffs -- i could send this to fhm! 2. bone, pinks, con and marlyn after the booster ride. 3. thats me with my signature pose, i looked rather wasted though 4. pinks and i while duds try to capture how "high" we were. [not in pictures are duds and moski]

devastated

2006-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

someone died.. and i feel major devastated.
i am crying when i know i shouldnt.

why do people die when they know its going to be painful to those they love and its much much more hurtful to those who love them. why does it seem so easy for them to leave just like that? why are people headed to death the minute they are borne. why be given the chance to taste life when its not even going to be happy? silly.

ironic. coz i was on my way home when i received the message. i was driving. bitter and quite depressed. i saw a truck driven recklessly.. i considered rushing toward the thing. i was looking for death, so when i found a full-size vehicle beating the red light, i thought of it as a chance. then my phone rang. and i had to give up that chance. someone died. i looked up and truck was gone. why someone else? it could have been me instead. it should have been me.

then i went to yen. i found out she's been in a car accident herself and almost died. so i asked myself again, why her? why not me? someone should teach death proper manners. why does it show up to people who are not even looking for it? why does it shy away from people who have been waiting for it for so long?

ive managed to pull up some bucks for him and me (there's no "us."). ive had plans for this evening. i was positive its going to be fun. a relief from the monotomy of his work and heartaches. and i needed some fun too. so its supposed be what he and i exactly needed -- FUN. looks like that word was never invented for me, or at least not at the moment. ha! well, at least ill still be pushing through with my plans.. except that it'll be with someone else instead. now, that isnt fun. but friends promised me its going to be. sigh. [click here]

and of course, i should be going to the wake.. not that i have to but i want to.
why wont you all just shoot me in the head???? go on, ive already sent my last two messages the other night. one says thank you.

ive been here before. and id like to believe ill get over this phase, maybe not now.. but soon. it'll come.. ah yes, i still havent escaped from quarterlife crisis. pity. but dont you worry. this is how manic-depressives live. one moment, we're euphoric and then we become sad. before you knw it, we're back to elated mode again. haha. im not crazy, you fool! kulang lang sa dasal! :P

love.. for him

2006-02-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

Tumatalon- talon ang puso ko
Pag ika'y kasama
Naririnig pa rin ang boses mo
Kahit ika'y wala na
Ilang oras pa ba, ilang taon pa ba
Ako maghihintay sa 'yo
Lumilipad-lipad ang isip ko
Pag ika'y kasama
Naririnig pa rin ang boses mo
Kahit di ka kasama
Ilang oras pa ba, ilang taon pa ba
Ako maghihintay sa 'yo
Bakit ba ikaw ang nauna
Sana panahon nati'y nagkatugma
Paano na kaya?
Ayoko ko na sanang maghintay
Turing mo sa 'kin, ay isang musmos
Isang bata

its true, i guess, that love can transform you into an individual you never expect to be.

but what is love anyway? to be honest, i dont know either. who cares what it is when it will let you know when its there. dont confuse it with infatuation though. neither with lust. although an old professor of mine once told me that love and lust sometimes go together. i wont tell where i stand.

whatever love is, id like to think that its a nice feeling. i have questioned it many times -- whether true love exists or not. but i dont care at the moment. love simply is. it makes you contented just staring at that someone while he's asleep. it leaves you a happy feeling after youve made his bed, or after youve served him with food, or after youve poured water into his glass, or after youve cleaned up the mess he's made, or after washing the dishes for him. when you finally see that someone you truly care for, you instantly forget that youve had a tough day or that youve driven for miles and had been stuck in a jam for hours. you forget that youre tired or that you havent had enough sleep yet. youre just glad that at last, you are spending some time with him.

love creates a person who strives nothing but to be the best. it will make a girl study smart and work hard. it could even rekindle her faith in Him and make her go back to church. it makes you think of your future. it gives you direction. it makes you want to learn. it makes a forgetful lady remember.

it teaches one to enjoy life. it helps you control your temper. it teaches you to appreciate the simplest things -- your family, your friends, the geeky stuffs, the virus that used to bug you and your internet life, the computer breakdowns that completely destroy your most important files, the coffee that never failed to give you tremors, the vitamin c that has been stored for ages in your medicine box, the PDA youve ignored for years, the koreanovelas youve never attempted to see, the songs you never wanted to hear nor sing, the mellowdramatic movies about love you never dared to watch, the boutique youve never checked out, the book you never thought you'd read, the foods around the corner. it makes you laugh even at the corniest jokes.

it makes you ignore the fact that you have no talent at all -- it makes you crave to sing or dance for that someone.. it wouldnt matter to you even if you cant even carry a tune or that it will just make you look stupid. heck, it will even make you want to play the quitar even if you dont know how. it will make one hungry for music and that someone.

yes, love is wonderful but it hurts too. big time. it makes you promise never to do anything that could hurt that special someone but you yourself end up being hurt. it makes you wanna do things you dont normally do. even if you know for a fact that you dont have to do anything to make him love you cause if he loves you, he simply does. and if he doesnt, then he doesn't. thats the way it is. it makes you give even if you have no more to give, putting aside the fact that youre not going to receive anything in return. it makes you realize your worth but you suddenly forget about the standards you have once set. all you desire is for the one you love to be happy... but you.. you end up crying, for the same reason that has made you feel euphoric. you tell yourself not to wait forever but undeniably, you are still waiting. you decide to cure his wounds, but when he's finally done grieving and no longer needs you, you become lost. you forget that you just wanted to help and youre confused whether or not to let go. all you can do is just close your eyes and wish.

love. whether it makes you feel good or sad, it definitely makes one a better person.
i still havent figured if its really love but im still thankful for having been reminded of at least how it feels.

So you're down there... Confused, you can't bear.. When things aren't easy, hiding is not the answer.. Anxiety, then faithless you'll be.. Just fall on me.. there's no other answer.. I'll catch you just fall on me... Hear me now, hear my voice, speaking the words of love.. Betrayed and died.. How lucky you are.. Just open your eyes and see.. I'm tired, free me, pick me up from this mess I made ..hear me.. Reach me by your hand and ease me.. There's no other answer.. I'll catch you just fall on me...

bopols

2006-02-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

oh god, i just realized i am sooo not good with things that require timing. good thing going with the flow works too. but not all the time, of course.. especially when youre trying to learn how to play the guitar. geez..

1 year!!

2006-02-02T00:47:00.000-08:00

im so weird..
i like this but like this, like that...
and oh, i still couldnt figure where i am exactly.
i want to say something but then.. never mind..
i am sooo tempted to complain but i cant help but enojy life instead.
haha. am i making sense? uhuh, told ya im weird.

chiz!!

2006-01-22T11:54:00.000-08:00

enough with the hiatus whatever. theres really no point.
everything is still a blur but at least im feeling better. for a lot of reasons.

WARNING: this is one teeny bopper entry.
tonight i have finally seen the 300th private conversation with boy abunda. god. francis joseph escudero is still the hottest man ever. it really gave me a laugh when he admitted he's jealous and insecure of brad pitt. although brad is also a crushie material, chiz is way way way sexier! in fact, he is totally to die for. why not when he has the looks, brilliance and sense of humor. now thats really really sexy. golly, i myself am shocked with how kilig i get every time i see chiz on the telly or hear his name. imagine, im even planning to stay until 2007 so i could vote for him and see how he'd smile or cry after winning the senatorial race. oh, he should be the president of this country. now. yes, this instant. when will i get over this huge crush i have for the congressman? i am like a thirteen year old girl who goes gaga over boybands. hehe. what can i do? im a sucker for brainy guys. hehe.

tipsy..

2005-11-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

"im never drinking again.." ugh. ive been telling this to myself for at least 3 consecutive days.. as if! haha.. ah. but come november 14, i really am not going to have much fun anymore.. boohoo.

spending time with the immediate family and relatives has never been this fun.. the more i spend time with them, the more i realize how dysfunctional our family is.. the more i realize how proud and happy i am being part of this circle i could never trade for anything or anyone else.. *sniff sniff*

i officially adore whoever started the saying "Work hard, play harder.."

my family

2005-10-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

i just realized that theres one person who thinks i come from a perfect family.. well, thats really nice to hear.. but the truth is....

my family isnt perfect.. in fact, its not even close to perfection.. but despite the imperfections, im glad i can still call ours a FAMILY.

fed up..

2005-09-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

wow, i really have a lot to say but i so have no idea how to put them into words.. haha.. let's see..

1. was there ever a time that you really needed to cry but when you look around, you find your family or loved ones already crying then you decide you couldnt cry anymore and that you have to be strong for them? then what you do is cry in the dark when youre already on your own?

2. real bestfriends do NOT and should not impose on each other..

3. HATES::: never assume or expect... at please, walang gaya gaya. :P at, please, NEVER talk or act as if you know everything about someone when in fact all you know is her and her ex boyfriend's name.

4. noones supposed to act or talk as if he/she owns another person.. golly, people like that are so irritating!

5. its nice when you work hard and play harder..

6. im fat. everyone says so..

7. just so you know, i tried fitting pants at Kids for Bayo and damn, theyre biggest size doesnt fit me! yes! i cant buy at the kid's section.. hmm..

8. according to russ and duart, i look like dove's flat or flattering girl.. so i told my other friends about it and showed them the ad. gawd, they were laughing so hard! they couldnt agree more.. but i still dont see the similarities.. im major flattered though.

9. speaking of "flat or flattering", im happy being flat. i could wear almost anything without looking bastusin and all that.

10. oh, russ, i know its late but still, congrats sa work.. :)

10. last night, i was with my bestfriends.. and that makes me uber happy. i think its true that you can have more than one bestfriend.. and being bestfriends doesnt mean you have to be together everyday or talk only to each other 24/7. it means more than that, okay? im really thankful my favorite friends are mature enough to know that.

11. hay naku, all my high school friends have become more beautiful than they were during high school. and im so glad for them. hehe.

H-A-P-P-Y

2005-08-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

HAPPY. yup, thats how i feel at the moment. thank god =) thereS just too many good things that keep coming my way.. hmm.. lets see.. i got a semi-surprise visit from someone close to my heart.. shopping spree.. few days off from school and hospital which means more time with family and shopping.. a quick visit to my bora.. free meals and accomodation.. my friend has a new girlfriend.. stress-free days... god, i could go on!

these things explain why i havent gone online for the longest time. (im sorry. forgive me if i havent been visiting your blogs and updating and all that..) i was busy having fun. i wish things stay this way forever.... hayyy..

how about you? how have you been? let me know.. it'd be really nice to know if youre all good =)

---

last time, i left my heart in bora.. so i had to return there to get it back.. only to find out that im officially and eternally in love with the place no matter how many times i get back there..

one of my favorite things there

some prefer coco mangas aka shooterS bar but i just love chillin at bom bom bar. the live band always make me laugh.

ive met the sweetest girl in puca beach. while her playmates bugged me for money, she kept on handing me cute little shells she picked along the shore.

this shot was taken in carabao island. thats me and my brother making a rip off demonstration of my tita being carried by porters in bora station 2.

i must be weird. nevertheless, seeing a rainbow during the island hopping made me ecstatic.

uhuh.. i had fun, yes.. but really, i miss blogging and my fellow bloggerS. =)

dont throw this day away

2005-08-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

someone sent me an email and a part of it says This day is yours, dont throw it away. so ill make the most of this day.. this week =) i dont know but suddenly, im feeling lucky. its really weird how i am feeling today but i promise to start the week right. ill start with a prayer.. and a smile. wish me luck!

have fun, friends, dont throw this day away. have a great week ahead.

the eye.. infinity

2005-08-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

im feeling a little better now. thank goodness! and ya, thanks to the pang brothers for the eye.. infinity. put aside logic and technicality (or the lack of it), and voila! pure entertainment. me, my girlfriends and guy friends all thought it was a horror flick. haha. major laugh trip! so if you guys are feeling down lately, watch it.. but as ive said, quit searching for logic and high-end technicalities and whatnots.

of course, its not just the movie thats making me okay.. my major problem is vanishing little by little.. i hope that once its gone, it'll not find its way back to me again.... ever!

and speaking of this major problem, ive been prescribed to take oral steroids to counter it.. steroids mean increased appetite.. either you satisfy your appetite or suffer gastric ulceration. but big thanks to dr. llabres. ill keep in mind everything youve said.

ahh, this problem already sucks as it is and yet there are a few who still rub in it and make you feel even worse.. so for the guy who did just that, suit yourself but remember, the world is round and i have the BIG GUY up above to back me up.
thank you, lord! =)

have fun everyone! smile. bear in mind that a day without laughter is a wasted one.

bad days..

2005-08-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

for almost 2 weeks, things were almost perfest for me and i was thankful. i am. until saturday. destiny, unfortunately, has changed its course. sabi nya masyado akong masaya while other people are troubled with different issues and whatnots. its about time she let me experience some loneliness.. i am like, Again??! arghh.. guess the world really is round eh? though it seems like im losing this battle against what i call destiny, im trying to fight it. trying not to lose hope as much as possible.. iniisip ko na lang, ganyan talaga pag bida. sa umpisa, laging talo.. pero sa bandang huli, champion pa. *sigh*

masputito promotion

2005-07-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

havent been visiting the dotcom world these past few days. oh, of course, you already know my excuse. i WAS busy, yes. but not really with studies..

im glad some of the bloggers are recovering from loneliness. i was already wondering why almost everyone are not in the right mood lately. russ even suggested before that it could be because of the alignment of the stars.. could be.. so i hope the stars are already re-positioning.. coz its better if everyone is smiling. go on, smile now.

as for me, i know god has always been good to all of us.. but this week, i think heS been extra nice to me. why? lets put it this way: i cant remember anything that went wrong this week. it could be that NOTHING really went wrong or that something went wrong but i just shook my head and then forgot about it.

*** duds, star, moski et. al.: since you didnt receive the invites i sent you (i still cant figure why), here's an easier way to subscribe to our yahoo group. click
here

things that made me happy last week

2005-07-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

haha. i havent updated and visited other people's blogs for several days.. im too lazy to turn on the computer and go online these days.. but nothingS wrong though. in fact, im quite back to my chirpy mode. im not really that busy pero pagod madalas.. anyhoo.. this entry must be dedicated to friends. because they're the best (next to family, of course.)

first things first. im so glad bro is cool again. hehe. but of course, ive got to give the credit to Jaar who provided me with some cool games for my PDA.. yup, its through the games that my bro and i became okay. hehe. i know, i know. parang mga bata. **Mister, you still owe me for passing the "flowsheet burden" to me which has been the reason i slept way past my bedtime last night**

last friday, i met up with an old friend slash ex in Tapika. i got bored though so i
headed to eastwood for the guitar fest and met up with other friends: Beng, Bob, Marlene, Rr. i was hesitant at first coz they were in pairs.. Duds and Jaar promised they'll follow.. they didnt do so though. even so, i still had fun. really. it was my first time to drink a non-San Mig beer then... also my first time to drink without the sizzling sisig. i had sizzling tofu as substitute! coolness.
MYMP was there. golly, everywhere i go, thereS Juris and Chin singing. why is that? i like them but i want my orange and lemons sana. they remind me of the beatles!

thursday and sunday were greenhills days. haha. funny how shopping sometimes become so synonymous with bliss. saturday was partly spent in quiapo =) with Moski, Duds and Marlene. smallville season 4. finally! bitin nga lang. **haha, Poks, i know, bad ang piracy. but heck, its cheaper than the real thing..** quiapo is fun pala. hihi. and oh, found a 15-album collection of beatles (which i bought).. imagine, quiapo people selling beatles music?? i soo cant afford to buy the Php5k-collection so i have to settle with mp3 rip off for now.

hayy.. nothing much really. but my everyday companions make me sane and happy. so, im thankful. oh, im running out of jokes... do you have one? let us 'hear' it..

happy?

2005-07-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

today is not a bad day.. i suppose.
i ate, talked, smiled, and even laughed with friends..
i also had a good sleep!
isn't it great?
think its a sign that things are gonna get better soon!
so later, as i go to sleep, i will take a moment to thank the lord for this day.
because today may not be the best day of my life.. but its not a bad day either.
thank you lord! =)

my life sucks

2005-07-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

sheesh!! TOP SECRET. (seriously)

hayy.. nothing seems to be right at the moment.. philippine politics sucks! then theres the bombing thingy in london (to which ive been totally clueless until yesterday). my to-do list is endless. the recent pimple breakout has caused too many scars. and ive been hating everyone at home these days. im not sure if i can blame my menstrual hormones but really, everyone/thing seems to annoy me. everything seems to be so heavy already that i want to put everything here.. so sorry if this post sends off some bad vibes. really. i apologize.

first. i love my father sooo much and the whole world knows that but i hate the fact that he doesnt want to quit drinking. he has a history of stroke and he's on meds, which means alcoholic beverages are so no no. which part of that doesnt he understand? goodness. worrying about your father's health 24/7 is not cool. really. im always not sure whether he'll make it through the day (everyday!). and his latest lab exams shows elevated cholesterol, uric acid and all that.. and the doctor prescribed three additional meds for his maintanance. two of them for anginal attacks (for the heart) and one for urinary tract infection. still, he's not convinced that the beer has something to do with his unstable health status. **my god, dad, you know you're smarter than that!** and it hurts me so much that thinking that he doesnt even worry about his children in case something bad happens to him. it just makes me cry.

second. my mom. she's not here. and thats basically it. she's been gone almost my entire life. so you can just imagine how hard everything was/is for me. oh and can i just add that i so need a mom especially during my adolescent stage considering that im the only girl and the youngest in our family. now, she doesnt seem to comprehend that life here in the philippines is terribly difficult. i hate the way she cant manage her finances.

third. my brother #2. he hasnt been talking to me and my dad since thursday. and the hell! i hate that he just doesnt have the will to drive and lets me do everything like i dont have school and all that. honestly, nursing is not as easy as it seems. aside from the mental challenge, its so physically draining. if you know what i mean. **you know, id love to do EVERYTHING for all of you guys but you know, sometimes, i just dont have the energy. sometimes, i get tired too you know. and sometimes i wanna do my own thing also but i cant because i have you guys to think about. its not that i dont want to think about my family coz i honestly love doing things for everyone. my only point is sometimes i need help too, you know. help. its not because i dont want to give anymore but because i have nothing to give anymore. it really hurts. but you know i love you all. and thats exactly why ive been exerting more than i can to give you everything.. to do eveything for all you guys. and ya, you have got to fix your temper, brother. (if you happen to read this, so sorry.. again, temper temper! i dont mean trouble you know.**

fourth. my brother #3. although he's been totally understanding to me lately. i hate all his lies and the way he doesnt udnerstand our father most of the time. i hate the way he lacks patience.

fifth. the maids. gawd, cant they learn everything we teach them? are we supposed to give the same instructions literally everyday? okay, thatS forgiveable. but i think its common sense that they are not supposed to throw away food, right? ugh. MOST OF ALL, im so fed up with all the lying and all the kupits they've been making. so not right.

there there.. i hope i didnt use the word hate too much. god knows hate is not even the right term to use. but there. im so done. i know I AM NOT PERFECT but heck, im so hurt and crying inside. is it because im human too? ya, maybe! PLEASE DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT THIS AFTER READING. i want the people involved to read this themselves.. or maybe NOT. as i know it would only cause MORE TROUBLE and of course, thats the last thing i want to happen. its just that, i feel so suffocated already trying to keep everything inside. as ive said, it could be just my period causing all these emotions but heck, i am so hurt, damn it. and thats not cool. coz i want to be happy you know. i deserve to be happy.

shit. i still have a homework to finish. and i still havent seen Chiz on the telly.. its prolly because ive been too busy to watch the television.. ack!!! haha.
oh well, god bless my family.. and your families! =) i wish everyone's feeling exactly the opposite of what im feeling. wow, i cant believe im smiling already so.. SMILE EVERYONE. =)

three things

2005-07-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

was tagged by russ and im glad she did coz i have no better things to post.. with regard to the turmoil that our country is currently experiencing, as much as possible, i dont want to comment.. coz im not a registered voter so i feel as if i dont have the right to complain. im just elated that i get to see my Chiz on the telly every now and then.. lol. i just wish that someday, soon i hope, the word "politician" will soon gain its noble definition.. i hope that one day, politicians will be public servants..

my three things (russo, this is soo hard coz uve disabled all clicks on your page, haha!)

three things you go by.
1. bone
2. joi
3. kristine

three screen names you have had.
1. bone
2. prettybone
3. bone^ (ya, i am that creative. haha)

three physical things you like most about yourself.
1. eyelashes
2. shoulders
3. butt

three physical things you dont like about yourself.
1. skin
2. belly
3. legs

three parts of your heritage.
1. filipino
2. gawd, i dont know
3. what to put here

three things that scare you.
*if you mean tangible things, then..
1. wild dogs
2. rats
3. mosquitoes

three of your everyday essentials.
1. food
2. water
3. money

three of your favorite musical artists.
1. beatles (goodness, ang mahal nun collection huh!)
2. mariah, the original butterfly lady
3. orange and lemons (for now..)

three of your favorite songs.
1. all my loving
2. sa kanya
3. happy (by squarehead)

three things you want in a relationship.
1. honesty
2. good communication with a touch of humor
3. making time

three lies and truth in no particular order.
lies.
1. truth sets you free (sometimes, it does not. look at our political scene.)
2. money cant buy you happiness (russ, i agree!)
3. love conquers all

truths.
1. god is good to me =) cheesy, huh?
2. love is not blind, only it doesn't mind
3. the world is round

three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you.
1. smile
2. eyes
3. nape

three of your favorite hobbies.
1. not doing anything
2. not thinking about anything
3. watching movies

three things you really want to do badly now.
1. write a book except that im so not a writer!
2. kiss my Chiz, haha
3. travel

three careers you're considering/you've considered.
1. academe
2. health care profesional
3. public servant

three places you want to go on vacation.
1. europe
2. japan
3. hawaii

three kid names you like.
*the first two are names of my first crushie hehe
1. tristan
2. nicole (a guy's name.. please!)
3. kristin

three things you want to do before you die.
1. write a book
2. put up a day care center
3. meet the ONE

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy.
1. i can eat anything and as much as a boy can
2. i hate waiting and rejection
3. i enjoy play the playstation

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl.
1. im fickle minded
2. i can get really maarte
3. i talk too much

three celeb crushes.
1. brad pitt
2. jude "hotness" law
3. Chiz Escudero.. he's all mine! russ, if youre in the Philippines, poticians are celebrities and vice versa..

now is my turn to tag.
1. michi
2. dea
3. shai

ALERT: im fat..

2005-07-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

eek!

im getting fat.. its actually okay since the fats are giving me some curves.. only some curves are not in the right place already! but then again, at least im not ugly. haha.

lets all be happy, guys and girls. smile with me =)

pS:
if you have a joke or anything funny to share, type em in the comment box =) please.. even the corniest joke is welcome =)

Q: anong country ang hindi tama?
A: mali sya

lotsa questions

2005-07-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

can someone please tell me if its natural for a guy to beg (yep, literally beg) for another chance only for the girl to find out that the guy already has a new flame?? pathetic huh?!

can someone enlighten me how is this possible? guy asks for one last chance but you, fortunately, discover that he and the-girl-before-there-was-even-you-and-him are already a couple.. and oh, calls his new love the same term of endearment he used to refer to you.. *ack! im choking!*

can someone explain to me why the guy does not even admit the truth when the fact has already been laid out for everyone to see? is there really a need for denial?

is there a scientific inference to all of this?? id like to hear one.

you know, i forced myself to cry but tears wont fall. i dont even sense any signs of anger within my system.. is it because ive already become NUMB.. just as what ive always wished for.... or just damn TIRED?

have a great week everyone!

EDIT
I can't be with you again. Don't remind me of the good times that we had. I learned a lot from us instead. And I never want these feelings to ever come again.

Please don't tell me that you've changed. Don't wanna hear on how you've lost your evil ways. The one whose changed this time is me. And I won't go back to feeling helpless and decieved.

To think you had me fooled every now and then. You had me believin' that I was the reason that you left. But I won't fall back in love with you again. I don't even wanna be your friend.

No, you'll never hear me crying. You'll never see me trying, to love you once again. Your love is so past tense..

** thanks to respi.
/EDIT

ready to funk?

2005-07-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

before loneliness hit me, ive been in my happiest state for several weeks. and people who noticed this automatically concluded that my love life is back from the dead. they instinctively felt kilig, had themselves convinced that i already have a new boyfriend.. i would have loved to say "yes, i have a new boyfriend. i am in love and that makes me oh so happy." but then, that would be a lie. i dont have a new boyfriend. i MAY be in love at the moment but thats not the sole reason of my then ecstasy. since when did happiness become synonymous to having a boyfriend? ugh, pity are those people who associate bliss with love life alone. lol.

im no longer happy

2005-06-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

been to tagaytay yesterday.. i always thought of it as a romantic place.. but yesterday, i discovered the mundane part of it. ack! where is the bone who appreciates even the simplest entity?? if you happen to find her, let me know...

but in fairness to those i was with yesterday, i had fun (temporary bliss).. the boating.. the trekking.. the dinner.. picture taking.. horse back riding.. praying.. i enjoyed everything.. ah no, i hated that i missed lunch. i was so dead hungry since around 9 am and we ate at prolly around 2 pm already. god, i thought i was going to die right then and there. whew! ako pa man lang din, alaskahin mo na ko ng alaskahin, i wont get pikon.. wag lang akong malilipasan ng gutom.. otherwise, the mischievous sprite in me awakens. hayayay..

im thankful for everyone i was with during my latest tagaytay trip.. but there are four people whom i think have been quite exceptional: connie, who held my hands when my oxygen supply was literally depleting.. duds, who did just the same. hes such a sweetie.. him and mel, who never left my side and listened to me when i instructed to forget everything and just enjoy the horse ride and trusted me when i said "akong bahala sayo".. and of course, moski, who made me laugh almost until i already forgot how to breathe.. for doing most of the driving even if he was already tired and sleepy.. and of course, for taking care of my fathers most precious van. hehe.

...
in an instant, my happiness vanished. ive been frowning for two days now. as if i have to force myself smile. to laugh at silly jokes suddenly requires too much effort on my part. whatever the reason, i cannot disclose here. i choose not to tell anyone what is causing my wretchedness. but please allow me to vent how i feel. i am feeling lonely. no more in high spirits. and this disappoints me big time. i so want to once again find the ecstasy i once had... the kind of exhilaration i was holding just the other day.. the other week.. a few days ago.. unending bliss.. hayyy.. its so hard to find.

...
warning: never underestimate the great bone. never.. i repeat, NEVER tell me what i can and cannot do coz you dont even know me. you are not me. **umuusok ang ilong ko** now, give me something to drink.. a cigarette to light (i dont smoke).

...
what bone wants, bone gets.. otherwise.. beware. and oh, never make me jealous, youll regret it. yes, im a BRAT. so laban ka? haha. **nadudurog ang puso.. habang umuusok ang ilong.** bad bone.

...
galit ako sayo. i hate you. you hurt me big time. bleh! if i cant even look straight into your eyes, then its you im talking with. lets talk no more. **scream**

...
thank god for the wonderful massage i got tonight. hayy...

post dad's day

2005-06-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

happy fathers day to all the daddyS out there including your dads. i know its a bit late but, as they say, better late than never. so there.

my family didnt get to celebrate fathers day. my dad had a meeting then. imagine, meeting on a sunday?? gawd, it annoyed me a little. pero naawa talaga ko sa daddy ko. he really wants to retire already but destiny wouldnt side with him. his superiors want him to absorb 2 more offices -- one in makati and another in cavite. his current office is in marikina. so hows he going to handle all three? that i do not know. the thing is, its gonna be so stressful for him and its not going to be well compensated as there would be no raise in his salary. i told him to refuse na lang, but he cant. if he doesnt absorb the 2 offices, his superiors will close them. if they close the offices, it would mean unemployment for those who are currently working there. so my dad really has no choice. hayy....

during the meeting though, my dad was able to sneak out for at least 3 hours or so. haha. at least, we were able to watch batman begins. okay na yun, at least nagkasamasama pa rin kami ng family ko minus my mother who is currently in canada.

im touched coz even if K and i arent a couple already, he still doesnt fail to check out on my dad. lagi pa rin nyang kinakamusta. and wow, i never heard him say i look like kyla until this morning. haha. everyone's saying that i resemble kyla even before pa, but he never agreed nor disagreed. as in NR lang. but a while ago, he told me he has an officemate who reminds him of me everyday. "parehong kamukha nyo si kyla," sabi nya. ewan ha, but i asked my brother, sabi nya, yung mga nagsasabing kamukha ko si kyla, nambobola lang daw yung mga yun.

K is being extra weird lately. giving me a ring whenever he can. asking me out. total weirdo. he even made me promise na kumain daw kami sa dampa by the end of june. malamang kasi payday. "just say yes, please" daw. haha. actually, he didnt have to beg. i never say no to him. and he knows that. gusto pa nya, mag-joyride pa kami sa south today! hello!?! weirdo talaga. he said i made his day. because i made him laugh. yun lang. but whats really nice about our post-relationship situation is that, he still chooses me as his confidant. i still retain the huh-wala-ka-nang-babalikan treatment minsan though. i have to be strong. otherwise, i might fall again.

falling in love with him. again. thats the last thing i need. really. im uber-happy. and its only now that im already having peace of mind. K himself could see that in me. but i still have him to thank for. he has changed me in different ways. he taught me a lot of things. so K, if youre reading this, thank you. but of course, he already knows that. nasabi ko na yan at marami pang iba. although, there are some things that are better left unsaid.

photo infested post

2005-06-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

im so broke but happy.. here's why..

june 10 recipes, greenbelt

june 15 tapika, katipunan

blogger strikes again

2005-06-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

its been quite a long time since my last post. my apologies. my reason is the usual "im busy." lol. although my duties start at ten in the morning, i always force myself to wake up five in the morning everyday.. the result is that im always sleepy the whole day. as soon as i get home, i automatically crawl under my blanket and snooze or just close my eyes until dinner time.. and i normally oblige myself to sleep an hour or so after dinner since i wish to wake up early. take note, its just me who set up my waking and sleeping hours. i am trying to learn being a morning person. i feel that i have already wasted too much mornings of my life. the sad part is that now, i am starting to waste mcuh of my afternoons, since i always end up being sleepy in the afternoon and the remedy, of course, is to sleep! ay sus.

my mornings have been full of adventures lately. thanks to my new friend, B. the usual me doesnt want to be talked to when i just woke up until i make the initiative to start a conversation. but my new friend somehow manages to get through me each morning. im still wondering how B manages to do it.

i have lots of new friends. yipee! i still havent figured who are real and who among them intend to stay for a long time. but im grateful for having them. they always make me laugh almost every minute of my life. im starting to get attached. the normal bone is always afraid of being attached, but this time, i dont care. what is important right now is that i am happy.

i am starting to learn to appreciate every little things in my life, mornings are included. walking our dog, who's almost bigger than me. 5-peso coins. MYMP and other local bands (except that im really addicted to Juris and Chin since the day i bought their cds). mcdo. KFC. TeeJay (im also rediscovering my love for driving). veggies. myself. and many more. the one that comes before "and many more," i think is the most important.

because i am learning to be happy with every pump my heart does, i will treat myself on the 15th. will watch MYMP with my new friends. oh, ill be reuniting with some of my old friends from college tomorrow night, too.

hmm.. to those who are waiting for an update regarding my weird desire for chicken pet, i brought home 4 live fowls last sunday. and guess what... we already ate 3 of them! will be posting their pictures later. although my brother's friend, A, said he's gonna give me a fighting cock, i suddenly had a change of heart. our family friend (the one who took away my old ride from me!), promised that he'll give me a turkey. do you think turkey is better than chicken? but hey, if A will really give me a fighting cock, why not? ill gladly accept it.

do you know what i've last learned about chicks? they get chicken pox, too! is that why they call it chicken pox??? you'll probably be amazed to know too that round pepper is used on them to treat their chicken pox. people extract the 'boils' until they bleed then use the pepper as patch or something. of course, aside from pepper, there's also real meds for chick's chicken pox. i just heard all these from A, dont know if there are true.

weekend is near so... HAPPY WEEKEND, everyone.

confused but dont care

2005-06-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

i got myself a 3-day off. thank god. but now, i have got nothing else to do but watch the telly, listen to the radio, eat or submit myself to the internet.. i have been a total couch potato for two days (this is just my second day).. but im not comlaining, you know. this is actually the kind of life ive been wanting to have. it may be boring to some, but for me, its super!

my supposed-to-be-flatmate, lara, is going to kill me. she's in the states right now and she'll be back on the 7th. she's expecting that ive already settled in our new unit.. well, i actually payed for the down.. and the admin is already waiting for me to transfer... thing is, i just got my new schedule for the next semester and turns out, i wont be needing to move out after all. my new hospital will just be near our house plus i wont be having any classes on thursdays, fridays, and saturdays.. so what's the need to rent a flat near the school, right?? at first, my dad freaked out and reminded me that i already gave the downpayment and all that.. but after hearing my explanations, he had to agree with me... the next thing that i did was to inform lara.. shoot!! she's literally in panic.. not to mention, mad at me! "bone, ayos na lahat eh!! na-plano na natin to eh! nakakainis naman eh. wala akong matitirhan pagbalik ko," she kept telling me. true. she has nowhere else to go except for the flat we're supposed to be living in. she can't move there by herself. why not? ask her. i offered my place for free but she declined. i was actually thinkin to sacrifice instead and live there until she finally gets someone else to live with her but its going to be costly on my part considering that if ever, i will just be staying there 3 days a week and i will still have to bring a car with me since my new hospital will be soooo far far away from there... BUT THEN, i figured ive been very very selfless my entire life... and its about time that i let myself be on top of my priorities.. i owe this to myself.... my closest friends are, of course, on my side..
before, my friends used to tell me "maging selfish ka naman minsan." i think, now is the time.. ito na siguro yung minsan na sinasabi nila. but how come it doesn't feel right?? guilt is all over me.. but if i choose to transfer (just to make lara happy), it would be so dragging for me and i would be wasting a lot of my money.. and my father's money.. and then it would surely make me more guilty..... and ugly!

question: what to do when you like someone and that someone is NOT even interested in you? or when someone seems interested in you but you just dont feel the same way?

on a happy note, i will be reuniting with my blockmates on june 10. yipee!! some are still in school but most of them are already working slaves. haha. i so can't wait.. hooray, lc20!!

i will be going to the province this weekend. out of town. away from the busy districts of metro manila...hope ill have a good time. i swear i will be bringing home a live chicken. and then my brother's friend said he's going to give me one, too! i keep bugging him to give me at least one live chicken. do you think fowls of this kind will make a good pet?? hmm..

shai, thanks for the plugs.

update

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

congratulations to ms. underwood. i know she deserves to win the title. of course, there's also a bonus private jet. coolness! i wonder when will i ever own such thing.. hmmm.. ah, rubbish! but as i have told vea, im still thinking whether or not i am happy with carrie's vistory.

im craving for too much food today. i still want my mocha frap and belgian waffle. and im crazy for Vigan's empanada.. the first two are easy to get.. but the third one? ugh!! of course, its a bit impossible.. i think thats probably why ive been ingesting a lot of sweets lately. hoping to satisfy my tastebuds with something else.. but everything is just not working.. i NEED my empanada. no, not just any empanada. vigan's empanada! please.. please please... (oh, im hungry again..)

my bestfriend already warned me about my excessive ingestion of sweets.. im trying my best to watch my diet.. gawd, this is sooo hard!! i dont want to die with the letter "t.." (if you dont get what i mean, you are NOT cool. hehe. kidding.)

im feeling rather unconfident lately. the reason?? well, lets just say that the other day, i went out to see the world and guess what the world told me.. "BONE, ANONG NANGYARI SA MUKHA MO?" isn't it the most flattering comment one can ever hear?? no?? ahh, exactly!! the flocking zits on my face are already as depressing so, please, lets not intensify it with all your uncomplimentary remarks.. please, world, im begging you.

guess summer heat is finally over. rainy days are here.. are you happy?? lets thank god for the rain. i just hope that its not going to turn into a calamity again. whenever it pours like it has been pouring these days, i cant help but think of other people who do not have proper shelters.. or the tragedies that usually come with it. god, i wish for the safety of everyone.

weekend is approaching so let me be the first to wish you all a happy weekend. take care you all.

EDIT
multiply no more. click here, you may do so.
/EDIT

shiet.

2005-05-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

this is annoying. my site doesn't open. the url redirects me to a page with the following messages.

Not Found

The requested URL was not found on this server. Please visit the Blogger homepage or the Blogger Knowledge Base for further assistance.

hay naku naku.. tsk tsk tsk.

spooky pic

2005-05-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

was supposed to go to the bank at around one in the afternoon. but for whatever reason, i went to see some people.. some friends i was with during my batangas vacation. look at what they showed me.

mind you, it was raining when this shot was taken. but is there any trace of rain drops?? no. and do you see strange figures?? or is it just me?? let me know. this is really really interesting.. erm.. well, at least for me. haha.

anyways.. i know i have mentioned in my previous post that night swimming isn't allowed in white cove.. now i know why. coz the place is haunted! haha. thats the chismis ha. at night, may lumalabas daw na white lady dun and minsan daw nawawala yung mga nagswi-swimming sa gabi. and di ba i also mentioned that the inns there are of two types. the condo type and hotel type. it turns out na marami pa palang buildings for the hotel type rooms na hindi pa pala tapos. and you know why? kasi wala daw construction worker na nagtatagal. kasi nga may nagmumulto daw!

i dont know if these are just "stories" but i really got goosebumps when i saw the pic. until now, it still creeps me out, actually. haha. do you believe in ghosts??

smile

2005-05-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

am posting again. im back from batangas. pretty quick, huh? i am so sorry i have no pictures to show you. until now, i still haven't figured how other people do that -- taking pictures while having fun at the beach. i always keep my gadgets (phone, PDA, camera) inside my locked room to keep them safe from water and thieves. i so dont know how to take this behavior out of my system. it always makes me picture-less whenever i go to a beach. really. the camera whore in me always stays asleep whenever i go swimming or other activities of such sort. [russ, you've got to teach me. let me be your apprentice. so the next time i head to the beach or to the kiddie pool i am so urged to buy, id have every moment captured.]

batangas was okay. if you prefer water over nightlife, batangas is way better than bora. i was impressed of how clean the beach was when i got there. the sand is not as white as bora's but its pretty clean. plus, the place is not really crowded. unlike when you go to a place as commercialized as bora, you see the same faces.. the same gimmicks and all that. as if you just went to makati.

but i admit. the beach reminded me the feelings i had when i was in bora. it reminded me of bora, actually. i got a little nostalgic. so its really funny of me comparing batangas against bora. haha. goodness, i must have gained 1,000,000 pounds during my stay in batangas. all i did was swim, eat, swim, sleep, and eat. too bad, night swimming isn't permitted there. we stayed in White Cove, by the way. there are two types of rooms -- the hotel type and the condo type. i cant quite tell the difference since i wasnt able to see the hotel type rooms.

i still cant get enough of the beach. my friend, feliza, is inviting me to puerto next weekend. hopefully, my schedule permits. sana talaga. i dont care if id end up being super negra. all i want is to be away from the busy districts of metro manila.

i left batangas at around 4am and headed straight to the hospital. the electricity was out when i arrived. ha! it was really spooky. but since there was no electricity, we couldnt entertain much of the patients. the head nurse allowed us to go home early.

just as i was leaving the hospital, my phone rang. i didn't recognize the number. to my surprise, it was my ex. ugh! ang galing nya. just as i thought i am being successful with my "moving on tactics" through avoiding his calls/missed calls/texts and preventing myself from calling/texting him. okay, so he used a number which i didnt recognize.. i answered his call. we talked. at first, i thought it was someone else. i didnt asked agad who it was coz i thought id be able to recognize the voice. but i couldnt! so i asked. and he said his name. i was like, "uhm okay." talked lang. and then i asked again, "sino nga ulit to?" haha. i cant believe i forgot the sound of his voice already. when was the last time i saw him na nga kasi? oh yeah, last month.. so anyways, i even thought it was my brother's friend teasing me again. coz the other day, he called up my brother and claimed that he's jayjay (nangiinis lang, of course.) then i tried hard to remember whether or not i have mentioned the name of my ex here.. but no. i am so sure i never mentioned his name. and my brother's friend doesn't know my number. at lalong ano naman nga kasi paki nya sakin.. right, vinci? =P

ayun, after our little talk, i was forced to say goodbye. not because i didnt want to talk with him anymore or something. i just had to put down the phone. i was in a public hospital for goodness sake! and he was like, "eto naman, ngayon lang ulit kita natawagan eh." but i cannot give in. i promised to call him up when i get home instead. its almost 2pm. and hindi ko pa rin nagagawa yung promise ko. i have no problems in making promises, its in keeping them that i have a problem of (god, did i get the correct grammar? haha). the thing is, i am not sure if we really have something to talk about. thats why i still am not calling him as i promised. what do you think? should i do exactly as i promised?? tell me.

oh, happy weekend, everyone!! have fun.

ps.
vinci.. if you want to read some more, click here. but i cant assure you that its gonna cure your boredom, ayt?

EVERYONE, some george of the jungle is bitching our vea. please, go to her site and show some support and love.

sigh.

2005-05-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

here's a new entry. aren't you surprised that im posting almost everyday now? can i just say that i am quite forced to do so. coz as far as i know, there are at least two people out there who are bored to bits and has got nothing to do but surf the net and read my blog. who are these people? my brother and vinci. but honestly, i am rather thankful that they always end up being here, reading my posts. [panget and vinci, whenever i tell you guys this: nakakainis kayo, ba't nyo binabasa? nagiinarte lang ako. haha.]

***
its not safe to disclose my real identity online, i know. but right now, i just feel like doing so. i am kristine joi bunoan. some say that my given name is beautiful (thanks.)and its just so not right for me to use the nick i am using right now.

when you first saw this site, i know some wondered: "why bone?" well, here is the story... [vea, i am sorry. i know i already told you the reason.]

back in highschool, there were at least 5 kristine/christine/cristineS and at least 2 joi/joyS in our batch. it meant that people can neither call me kristine nor joi. instead, they called me either by my full name or last name. as time went by, people from school probably found it so long that some of them ended up calling me buno sometimes. one time, a friend of mine was listening to bone thugs and harmony's the crossroad. as i approached, she greeted me with "uy, bone!" by mistake instead of buno. she acknowledged that it was a mistake and proceeded with a pause as though she was pondering the answer to a very difficult mathematical problem. after that, she smiled and decisively uttered "ay. pwede. okay yun. bone na lang itatawag ko sayo." then everyone else copied her.

my mom said that when i was born, the names cristine, christina and the like were so in. she wanted to be part of the uso. how pathetic, huh? hehe.
[just a moment, please. vinci is online and is asking me to write a very very very long entry. hay naku, i hate him right now. teasing me.. bleh!] and then, everyone was so happy as they never had a girl in the family. they said, my coming into the world gave them so much joy. hence, they added joi.

my family (and family friends and feeling part of the family) calls me joi. except for my brothers who call me panget and bakekang (whatever that means).

i choose to introduce myself as kristine whenever i want to be a "stranger" to someone. ewan ko. if someone calls me that, its either we're not close or that i never met him/her at all. often times, people who call me kristine just saw my notebook with my name on it, or my ID, or my nameplate.

the ganzon sisters (clara and clarissa) call me princess with a very distinct tone! and i love it. haha. clara and clarissa are so one of my favorite people. because they call me that and for some other reasons, of course.

desperate

2005-05-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

im busy but bored. sigh. i want to call up my bestfriend but im not sure we have something to talk about.. and i dont think id be able to stand a non-sense chismisan right now since im always tired, and gawd, heat is killing me! aside from ann, i so want to talk to cla, too. it was her birthday last saturday but none of us is able contact her.. we've been trying to reach her through whatever possible means.. but dang, she's so out of reach!

im desperate. summer is almost over and i still haven't gone to the beach. no, not even to a pool or something. there are times that i am already urged to buy myself a kiddie pool (you know, the one you inflate or something then you load it with water, hehe). kaya naman, when i learned that my dad's going to batangas this thursday, i was so determined to go with him. come what may! thank god, i have no work at the hospital on thursday. BUT on friday, i have a duty at seven in the morning. kakapalan ko na lang mukha ko. ill ask my dad's driver to bring me to the hospital at around 3:30 or 4:00 am on friday. just so id be able to see the beach. i really am that desperate. hayy..

uber-tired. yes. you know, its true that when youre sleepless and fatigued, you tend to be un-effective. im disappointed with my performance in the hospital today.. all i had to say was "hindi ko kaya. tatawag na lang ako ng clerk/intern na gagawa." but in reality, i just chose not to do anything becuase i was super sleepy and no longer hungry (kasi nalipasan na ng gutom!. and when the supervisor pulled me out and said that we can go home already, i got over excited that i totally forgot my shoes inside the dressing room. hopefully, walang magnakaw nun dun!

my eyes are hurting. i had a hard time driving today. its either i already need a new pair of eyeglasses with higher grade(s) or maybe, im just really exhausted from the hospital. to make it worse, i ate an expired cake! so my digestive system is revolting at the moment. nakakahiya pa coz jayjay called and he was asking me out (again) and as always, i declined. but this time, i didnt have to lie. coz really, there's something going on inside my tummy. he was like "parang hindi naman halata e (na lagi kang may palusot)." oh well, dont care that much. i dont think i can ever go out with him. no, even if he's already a model-model-an with a gorgeuos bod! haha. walang spark e. naks! not only that. i also dont see any sincerity. enough said.

i think i miss someone. someone i am not romantically involved with. was never. but the thought of him makes me smile. so i dont think its really a bad thing to miss this someone, right? right.

poof!

2005-05-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

enough with the previous post. too much intrigue. enough.

...
uh, he's such a snob. and i thought i likeD him??! and i thought we'd be really good friends??! huh. forget it. coz im never talking with him again. never! whoever is he?? go figure. i dont give a damn. :p

...
i know i told you i already have a topic for my next entry. should be about me. the different names people call me. but sorry, im not dwelling on that sunject right now. im no longer in the mood. :p

...
i learned panget and vinci are reading my blogs.. hmm.. why haven't they left a comment or tag at least? at first i freaked out and was like "you're reading my blogs??!!" and my brother went "duh?! blog nga eh!" think he has a point.
since i have new readers, this entry is for them.

the results are out. congratulations to those who passed. ya, cheaters included. as ive said, cheating is a form of intelligence. aries, bote, ellen, jay?, marco, and whoever's name(s) i forgot.. job well done. to alfred, panget and vinci, smile. and yes, poks. when i said "hello. pizza hut delivery..." you were suppposed to be fooled. not me. you're supposed to wonder whether you really dialled the right number or not. and not supposed to say you're someone else (like bryan, for instance) coz, i repeat, you were suppposed to be fooled. not me. i really thought you were someone else, you know. just like when you pretended you were some hotel guy and told my brother and your other roommates they had to pay more than two thousand bucks for things they didn't really ask for. funny story. really. i was laughing out loud. whats even more hilarious is how my brother told the story. ask him.

...
oh, my brother and i will be seeing our "long lost" cousin tomorrow. i mean, later. hope all goes well.

...
im moving out (again!!) soon. by the end of may. (will i be financially stable by then??! no? huh, i thought so.) anyways, i need help. im making a "things i need to bring with me list." below are the things i had before when i was "out" of here which i think i will be needing again. if you think i have forgotten to include a vital furniture, fixture, equipment or whatever, please, let me know. here's my list so far:

1. electric stove (must be electric. to lessen the risk of fire.)
2. water dispenser (actually, im referring to the pump for those big purified water
containers. ah, whatever you call it)
3. personal refrigerator
4. oven toaster (no, cant afford a microwave. poor me.)
5. bed (and beddings, of course!)
6. sofa bed
5. table (for dining and studying)
6. chairs, syempre (at least 3)
7. tv, radio (still thinking about these.)
8. lap top (dad, please let me borrow yours!)
9. bookshelf (with my books!)
10. end table and a lamp (do i really need these?)
11. small things like pail, tabo, plates, and other utensils
12. rice cooker! (i almost forgot. teehee.)
13. hayayay.. whatelse? (this is where your suggested item(s) should appear.)

no, im not excited. its so NOT economical living away from parents. bummer.

....
did i blab too much? =) i promise a better entry on my next post.. uhm, no, i take it back. no more promises. im bound to break them. i think. haha. good day, everyone. hope you're all enjoying the weekend. coz i am (believe it or not).

the delinquent blogger

2005-05-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

i know i am being such a delinquent blogger lately.. but of course, i couldn't just let russ beat me, could i? hehe. yes, girls and guys, she has a new entry.. so, go on, visit her.

...

my brother's back. he had to check in at the Grand Boulevard for 4 days with some of his buddies (they're all really funny, i'm telling you!). i cant let him know that i kind of missed him. no, not until he admits first that he missed me. haha.

cheating. yes, this is what i actually want to talk about. to rant about. no, i dont mean it the boy-has-a-girlfriend-but-he-is-seeing-another-girl way.. really, i am disappointed since monday. right now, i just hate cheating. although, ive never prepared a kodigo or whatsoever, i always believed that cheating is a form of intelligence. but ive always been a big chicken. yes, i confess, sometimes i do cheat.. but nothing really major.. if you know what i mean.

so why do i hate cheating NOW? (i have to emphasize the "now." please know that i can't hate cheating forever. of course, you know why. hehe.) but the thing is, those from THE UNIVERSITY did it AGAIN. i dont know how many times they already did it. but i know they did it 1 or 2 years ago and that they did it again this year. this month. this week. when i say they, i mean those who graduated in THE UNIVERSITY with a degree in Civil Engineering and enrolled themselves in Besa Villa for review classes for the CE board exams. they seem to always manage to get a leakage. and them ONLY. i was able to confirm it years ago and then, ngayon na naman. do they really have to have a leakage just to pass?? well, maybe. for heaven's sake, THEY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THEIR CALCULATORS!! im sorry, but im not exaggerating. imagine, they're using scientific calculators but they dont even know how to use the scientific functions that they actually need for their "engineering problems".. yes, they were actually dumbfounded when they witnessed the use of the "scientific buttons" of their calculators from the humble graduates of Mapua.. and then what? they're all going to pass the board exam because they were handed the "leakage" last monday?? uh, such a disgrace..

sigh. okay, maybe they still deserve to pass. but how about those from other schools who really studied but were not able to finish all the problems or were not lucky enough. another sigh. deep sigh. i want ALL those who took the board to pass. is that possible??? i have nothing against THE UNIVERSITY.. im from there, for one. but right now, im not proud. im really affected. know why? coz my brother is not from THE UNIVERSITY. he's one of those who took the CE board exam last wednesday and thursday. he's one of those who taught those from THE UNIVERSITY how to use their calculators to make their how-to-solve-these-problems lives easier. he's one of those who did not receive a leakage. and he's one of those in agony at the moment because there's no assurance that he is going to pass. i feel for him. and for his funny friends and schoolmates.

~i used THE UNIVERSITY instead of the school's real name. obviously, i dont want any trouble here. so please, lets not make an issue out of this. i just want to expel what i am feeling.

...
pormise, ill post again soon. tomorrow maybe. hehe. i laready have a topic in mind. im excited!!

happy happy/

2005-05-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

i found myself inside a chapel. while mass is on-going. i myself was surprised. "what am i, a non-traditional catholic, doind here?" i thought. perhaps, its a calling. i dont know. but i took it as a sign that today's going to be alright. better than the days that had already passed. i quite dont remember the "script" people follow during a mass or something. but there was this something that seem to oblige me to pray for something. so i did. "lord, bahala ka na sa akin. you know whats right and best for me. so, bahala ka na," i said to Him. i felt a very "light" feeling.. i dont know. call me OA, but honestly, i felt as if some of my burdens were taken away from me.

by the way, during the mass, the priest revealed that there are 61 patients in the Ospital ng Maynila. 61 ONLY. yesterday, they were 62, but one pediatric patient died. so there, 61. the reason: a few resident doctors quit their jobs, because of gossip and certain (money)issues.. thus, the hospital can not accept a lot of patients.. because, there will be no medical doctors to look after them. the priest is requesting for our prayers rgarding this matter. i know i can count on you, guys.. and girls. :)

on my way home, i asked the driver, "nagustuhan ba ni daddy yung accord?" "hindi kasi kami nagkausap eh," he replied. sigh. "saan ako magpapahtid, sa bahay or office," i texted my dad. "syempre sa office. hintaying pa natin si kuya mo." gawd, still no signs.. deep inside i was already wishing so hard that sana my dad jsut wanted to suprise me. but i convinced myself not to expect any surpirses coz more or less (more on the more) ill just end up being disappointed. WOW! guess what my forever loving father presented to me when i arrived his office... *drum roll please..* a silver accord!! ooh, i love my life. and now, i realize just how stupid and superficial of me to wallow over material matters -- you know, things that dont really matter.. NOT. haha. im happy today. period. :)

powerlessness

2005-04-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

i lost Manuel. im heartbroken.. AGAIN. i feel so incapable. and its driving my dad crazy..
last tuesday, someone saw Manuel.. and instantly fell in love with him. without hesitations, that someone, took him immediately away from me. and i didnt do anything about it. at first i thought it would be cool. i wanted everything old in my life to be gone.. as i wanted to start anew.. so i thought it was okay to discard manuel.. i was thinking id be able to find a replacement.. better than him. but since he's been gone, i could no longer function as usual. i could no longer carry on with my typical tasks and all that. it bothered my father so much. it made him worry to bits that he'd always request his driver to drive me to my destinations and pick me up at the train station every time. it sucks that as if i can no longer do my things on my own.. i couldnt commute because my mind is always wandering.. and perhaps, i have become the most stupid person alive. its just that ive been so used to having manuel around. oh, the comfort he brings every time we're together is so.... ah, no words can explain.
i thought id be fine without him.. but it has been less than a week since he left and i already miss having him.. terribly. i tried to search for the "replacement" i always dreamt of.. but to my despair, i couldn't find that one.. or least one that is better than manuel.
ill keep searching.. until my eyes find THE ONE. but until then, i just have to deal with this kind of life.. the life of a commuter!! yup, manuel is the 4runner ive been driving before i could even get a license and until last monday, when a friend of mine decided to buy it the next day. ugh, i want manuel back!!!

blog whatever

2005-04-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

sorry, i cant think of better thing(s) to post.. [ya, right.. as if ive been making sense all this time. LOL.]

ive been very busy lately.. imagine, i have to work my butt from 6am to 2pm at the hospital then proceed to the school for my 3pm class. yup, im becoming one helluva workaholic. but im liking it. at least, i no longer have time to dwell on things that dont really matter but piss me off big time. haha.

for now, let me present to you another scenario from the hospital:
i heard one of the clinical instructors of Ospital ng Maynila saying this a while ago to a student nurse:
"magpalit ka na ng pasyente [na handle].. baka magkaron ka na ng emotional attachment dun sa pasyente mo eh.."

haa.. no comment.. but do you get why im writing what she said? i mean, so what if a student nurse creates a connection with his/her patient?

......

this blog thingy is really the trend now, eh? hayy.. had i known, i could have kept my first one na lang.. but nah, can't complain.. im home now.. blogspot is the best blog so far.. at least for me.

but i think i kinda like how people are starting to express themselves through blogs.. at least we are able to somehow see through them.. and we always learn something from our fellow bloggers..right?? and blogs have become sort of a therapy to some people. so i guess, the growing blog community is not a bad thing.

......

its duart's bday today. russ reminded me through SMS.. she does that every year. she's really sweet, isnt she?

i miss duart and kaye. [NOTE: they are and were NOT romantically connected, okay?] too bad, she doesnt update her blog anymore. but she's really one of those people who first introduced me to these blog thingies... oh, i miss aimee, too.. and my other philo classmates.. its really fun spending time with them. they always have something to share -- be it senseless or not. philosophers nga eh.

.......

i sold my other phone today. it wasnt planned, actually. but my friend wanted to buy it.. so there. now, im planning to dispose my sun sim. its no use having that anyway.. always hard to get through lines.. delayed messages.. poor signal.. whatever problems na maisip pa, nasa sun na siguro. haha.

oh, the other day, i finally got the courage to clean up my inbox!! does that happen to you also?? when someone you think is special texts you, its so hard to delete his/her message.. even if the message is just as plain as "Ok." or "Miss u." just a forwarded sweet quote [which he/she never meant.].. ya, like that.. tell me it happens to other people, too. haha. okay, im crazy.. but hey, i already erased everything. i told you im moving on! haha. ah, this certain guy even rang my phone. but sorry, i dont know him anymore. LOL.

finally, bahala na si God sa 'kin.

.....
LAST NA TALAGA..
new answers for new questions.. to view, click here.

new life

2005-04-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

yup, new layout (again).. let me explain.

1. still pink to retain yung pagka-girl-ish.
2. white background to symbolize new beginning and simplicity.

so whats with the "new beginning and simplicity" thingy?? yesterday wasn't a good day for me.. but i decided not to dwell on what caused my mysery anymore. i choose to start a new life.. new beginning with pure heart and peace of mind. never mind the person whose hobby is making me sad or whatever. i have other things to think about -- things that are more valuable and deserving of my attention, right?
and yes, if you could just refer to my previous post, i wrote this: "im leaving you, fool!" i mean it. i want a new life -- a life that is thiscertainguy-free.. hence, i will no longer communicate with him through whatever means. in connection with this, i will be changing my cell. number soon (i hope!) and will not and NEVER notify him about it. as in, bahala sya! finders keepers. LOL. [russ, il text you my new number pag meron na..]

believe me, i am already feeling better.

im still thinking as to where i could insert my photo in this new template.. yes, i am vain. ;p

.........

my brother already checked out the sites ive linked in my previous post. he was really thrilled knowing that his WWE idol's nationality is in fact filipino-greek.

my brother is such a gift from God. yesterday, he saved me from insanity. he met up with me at the mall and we watched a movie together. i watched vin diesel's the pacifier again coz bro hasn't seen it yet. i wanted to watch samara but it's his treat so i thought we should see a movie of his choice.

.........

i received an email from my tita: "he [refering to my dad's father] is okay considering that he has a long standing renal failure. he's not better but hanging in there... he's sicker and older.. let's be accepting... but let's pray for His mercy and graces..."

please please please pray with us. i beg all of you to please pray for my papang, our favorite lolo.

........

my dad's auntie is an insulin dependent diabetic. hence, her immune system is way weaker than any of us. she is in the hospital right now due to suspected pneumonia. lab results show that her hemoglobin is really, really low and that her kidneys are also affected. as a result, her creatinine level has significantly increased. its all abnormal. ct scan results will be released tomorrow. let's all hope its negative. still, my other lola, her sister, said that she's really getting weak. so, again, im asking you all a favor.. please please pray for my lola.

lets altogether pray for all the sick people around the world and for His grace and mercy.

EDIT
my dad texted me this morning saying that our lola, her auntie, already received a may-go-home order from her doctor. she will be released from the hospital tomorrow... god willing.. to those who have prayed with us for her recovery, THANKS SO MUCH. also, to all the health care providers and personnels of the AFP memorial medical whatever a.k.a v. luna hospital, thank you all so much for taking care of our lola. god bless.
/EDIT